mikjc's Journal

Well ok, I had two no purge days followed by 2 purge days-and today was pretty bad- better than my last week's episode, but still bad. I don't get it, why am I doing this? I also decided to give blood today and then 5 minutes after I finished I went to a cardio class at the gym next door. Yea smart I know. I did fine though, yea I got light headed and felt faint, but whatever, I have felt like that numerous times especially when I played soccer. Even though I was dizzy I was still twice as intense as everyone else in the class. I actually felt ok in that manner. Usually I workout at max levels and I know others get mad at, they give me funny looks. I just ccan't help it though, I have to give it my all and I am used to training hard- I was an elite athlete- WAS, wish ED never happened, then I would still be a good soccer player...Now I am so embarassed at my athletic ability, but I still train hard b/c I have to get my heart rae up and it takes a lto to do it...

I wish my mom and other people close to me knew how much I really suffer with ED. Well, in a way I want them to know but I also don't. I hide everything, people assume I am great and "perfect." This is far from the truth. I can hardly function during my day- I have been like this for several years, but worse now since I have so much  free time w/o a job. I can hardly accomplish anything productive. I workout most of the day or I am in a trance on the computer. And purging...some binging, but not really (binging) b/c my eating is not out of control and I do not eat all that much. Lately thought, I have found that I am eating just so I can purge...WHY would I want to do this? In a converstaion with my mom about ???can't rememebr??? I mentioned something about clothes. I said I do not like form fitting clothes, she said your clothes are pretty form fitiing. Uh- I don't think so. My pants are 4 sizes too big and my shirts fit, but I will not wear anything short- it has to be just so and not showing any part of my form. She sees me in my workout clothes (which is pants and a baggy t- shirt) mainly and so how would she even know? I said no I do not...I have a bad body image...She saud really? uh yea mom that came with the aneroxia--"Oh I did not know you suffered from body image issues. What the hell." Do I really cover up my problems that well? That is good, but at the same time I need help. I will not talk about it with anyone. I am embarassed I guess. I think all my distortions sound stupid and that people will not understand. I had a therapist once reccomend that I write in a journal and bring it in. I did. After reading it she was like "kim I did not realize your thinking was this bad (she prob used other words)  you cover up your problems really well, I would not have even thought you still suffered from poor body image." Well ,yea I hid it- I don't want people to think I am crazy ???????????

I feel alone. I need support from family and friends, but I am not willing to come out and admit that my  problem is as bad as it is to them. I sometimes feel that if I want to get help than I am just trying to be sick and I am doing it for attn. But, I don't think that is true, I just do not know though. I feel confused. I hate this. People think I am so strong but I am weak. I convince myself that I can handle everything myself and close myself up to help. This is why people think I am ok. I wish I was dead.

I do not want to live with this thing forever. Of course I will never kill myself, but I just do not have any hope right now. It is gone. I feel alone. No one sees me, I am invisable. I am "perfect" I am ok. I can keep pretending and live in misery or ask for help...but if I ask for help then I am wanting to be sick...and here we go the cycle continues. How do I know the difference.

Well writing seems to be helping me, no purging today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AI am having negative body comments, more than normal...or maybe I am just aware of them right now. When I do not purge I can think more clearly and I am not in a zone AND I can do my long workouts!!!!! So, I am tired of this ED and I am going to beat it! I have feelings today! My therapy appt must have stirred up something and allowed me to break free from my emotionless self. I argued with my therapist for most of the sessions and then just sat back in my chair and nonchalantly exclaimed "I am frustrated" and well that is that...

I wish I could talk to my  mom more about this stuff but she is in denial that I still have any issues, she ignores it. SHe did not even think I had a problem when it all started and I was sickly thin, people kept asking her if I had cancer and she just did not see it. Eventually she got it and was a great support, she helped me through a lot.

She is emotionless herself, well when it comes to other people's emotions. I think she feels and expresses her own but is NOT empathetic. That is ok, perople are different, I just wish I could talk with her. I also feel bad b/c she is very obese and keeps gaining wght. She refuses to exercise b/c it reminds her of my dad and she is against diets b/c of what all went on with me a few yrs ago. I am worried for her health and I feel it is my fault. I eat my dinner at nigth when I come home from the gym (8 or 9). I eat healthy stuff like vegtables and beans (yes every night) and she sees me eating and then has to eat (stuff with high calories) even though she just had dinner. I want to help her but she got very defensive when I brought it up before. I try to talk abotu healthier alternatives, but then again I do not want to upset her... She eats healthy foods for the most part it is just portion size and the lack of movement. I try to walk with her sometimes, but I am so hyper and it takes A LOT of energy to slow down. I shoudl walk with her more often, but I can't b/c I get anxious b/c I am nto going fast enough. I am selfish. I want her to be around for when I get married and have kids, but I am just so afraid for her health. She is involved in many activities and does house work and stuff but she also lays around a lot and takes to many naps. I question if she is depressed, but I  really do not think so. I think she may have hypothyroid but she refuses to get it checked. My dad is also very big. He used to be rail thin- an over exerciser. After teh divorce he got bigger and bigger. His new wife is inactive and is always on some crazy high fat diet (which I do not get). My dad is trying to lose and knows the importance of being healthy and he is always open for suggestions from me (he is also very active-but again it si portion size), but my mom well she is not. I am sad and pissed off at me for causing her stress so that she gained wght. When I got sick she began gaining. I am just worried and I do not want her to die. I do not care about size I am just concerned about her health b/c I  love her.

I am so frustrated. I saw blood today, I know it came from my throat as I scraped it while attempting to purge... I hate myself when I actually take the time to process what all is going on with me...which is why I try to avoid down thinking time. I DO NOT have an ED it is all in my head. WHen is it ok to be concerned about wght? WHen is watching what I eat ok? I need to stop thinking I have a problem b/c I don't, it is ok to want to be healthy.

I HATE my body I seem to get bigger every time I look in the mirror and I don't trust numbers on a scale or BMI charts they are dumb. My wght can change depending on the scale I use so obviously it is NOT accurate. All I have to go by is my eyes, and I am obese...screw what my therapist says. SHe claims I have a "nice body" although I could gain 10 lbs. HA if I gain I'll be overwght...I hate being muscular. I eat too much, especially lately which is why I am purging more. I hate purging it screws with my mind and logic. I DO NOT think rationally when I purge, I am not me. I wish I could stop but if I do I'll gain wght. I know it is not about wght and really I know that does not define me, but I have to look at myself everyday in the mirror. How can I accept myself when I look disgusting? I guess this is what I am really feeling...

I am so upset at my therapist, she has been short with me the past few weeks. I told her that part of the issue is that I do not have a routine rght now...whenever my daily routine is changed then I have a problem, I fall apart. This has happened since I was a child (I know it is from my ADHD and AS (boderline aspergers)-bull shit I am not making it up-of course I did not tell her this part) She just said that I should not use my past problem as an execuse and I limit myself by saying that. I just need to try harder and I am older now and need to learn how to organize my time... I told her that it is part of my temperment it is who I am I have a hard time with structuring myself...she said that it is learned behavoir BULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got retested for my ADHD in Feb and one of my reccomendations was for me to have external structure b/c I have a hard time with organizing myself (this was done by a psychitrist elsewhere) So is my therapist  saying that neurological impairments are all a bunch of crap? They are not real? If I could change it don't you think I would? I hate being me, some people just do not get how my brain works. AND NO I am not just saying this for attn or making execuses or what not. I am very very very good at problem solving and I know about neurology hell I took several classes in a masters level college program and have done my own research (I know I am not an expert but I do know what the hell I am talking about). I have lived with this all my life, fuck (and I do nto cuss I am just mad) anyone who puts down my character. I remember a stupid psychiatrist told me once that I did not have ADHD (this was after a formal diagnosis with gobs of testing) and all my symptoms were due to ED (my ADHD diagnosis was made before the eating disorder even started.) That doctor did not believe in ADHD or LD and he said so. All my problems with my college classes came from ED...I don't think so, what the hell do these people know? I know what issues are coming from ED and what issues are coming from the ADHD/AS I am a goddamn professional (inexperienced but never the less a professional) not an idiot. Its like my therapist today was saying to me that I am wanting to stay sick-she says that a lot...NO WAY I am just struggling. I am upset and I am expressing it...YEA, that is what I need to do but I hate myself b/c of the way I think. WHy can't I be normal, why do I have to think differently, and I feel others just do not get me or the way I think. They just think I am saying it for attn, NO. Screw them, I just wish they could walk in my shoes for one day to see what it feels like to be me. Oh and another thing I hate it when peopple say I am not talking b/c I am anxious or a snob or whatever else I have heard. I am the least snobby person ever, I hate materialstic garbage and superfcial people. I am a slow processor meaning it takes a little while for information to get from my ears to my brain and from my brain to my mouth. I  am just slower not anxious. And sometimes I do not have anything to say I hate small talk there is no pt it is just superficial and I cannot relate. I am just tired of people not getting me. sigh...