CravingHeart's Journal

Ate not one...but TWO bagels last night (one blueberry, the other nine grain from Panera)..with cream cheese...GOBS of cream cheese.  I even just took out the tub and ate straight from it, the craving was so outrageous.  I was out of control.  But after the second one I felt disgusted with myself--I'd just said all day that I was NOT going to eat anything.  So I "took a shower"--felt better after I got it all out again.  Then later that night after I'd taken a sleeping pill I ate maybe a third of a can of soup--let that settle, felt that it was okay to have a real tiny amount.  

Haven't eaten anything yet today except for a tiny piece of bread at work.  Drank a few glasses of water.  I can actually feel that I'm hungry, my stomach is rumbling.  This is odd..I haven't felt actual hunger for food for about eight months now.  I think maybe I feel that if I continue to not eat, I'll get so hungry that it'll force back my sense of hunger........?  Of course, this is completely irrational and I see this as I'm writing all of these things..yet I still think it may be true.....

Visit with the counselor later on.  Don't have very high hopes for the session--am feeling very Space Cadet-ish today, like nothing really matters anyways..why bother analyzing it?

Might stop by bookstore afterwards, get a coffee (and hopefully not give in and buy a cookie, too...)   Am really going to try  not to eat.  Not eat for as long as I can.  Try to be skinny, act the part, then maybe it'll eventually just be.........

I'm so sick of thinking so abnormally.  Why can't I just be happy with who I AM?