CravingHeart's Journal

I feel so terrible about myself.  I'm not supposed to be this person that I've turned into...

Went out to eat with a friend (and co-worker).  Cute server....

Went to the bar later with other co-workers.  Had a really great time...until I got WASTED.

Drank two Green Tree Frogs and who knows how many beers?  Bad idea.  This bar is KNOWN for making the strongest and most lethal mixed drinks in town.....

So, we're drunk.  Coincidentally enough, cute server shows up.  Start talking..get his number. (This I'm proud of myself for.  I saw a good opportunity to meet someone new and took it.  Good for me!) 

Stumbled back to friend's house in four-inch high heels with friend, also in four-inch heels.  Attempted to walk down muddy hill....quite difficult, but made it.  Popped a squat along the way.  Got back to friend's house, drank more.....

Danced, danced, DANCED for what seemed like hours (realistically, probably twenty minutes)

Said girl friend and other friend left, leaving me alone with my guy friend (and co-worker, to make matters worses.)  We are only friends, and have always been only friends.  I do find him seriously attractive.

Ended up sleeping with him.  Can you say WHORE?  No, no.  That's not even really the bad part--I mean, fine.  We're both adults.  We're both single.  We both had a bit too much to drink.  We both truly do care for each other..as friends.  Not a HUGE deal, right?  (Let me clarify:  Sex has never been very special to me after certain experiences that I've been through.  Sex is sex, especially when done with just friends...)

 So, the bad part?  And judge me all you want--I'm sure we feel the same.

I've now slept with four guys that I work with.......

Two I actually thought could be meaningful relationships (both weren't), and two were just...drunk fucks? 

I feel awful about myself.  I'm NOT a whore, but why do I do things like this...that kinda make me a bit of a slut?  I ask this question and immediately the answer pops into my head:  I'm lonely.  I'll find solace anywhere, I'm so needy for love......

I just want someone to love me, but I'm going about it in a completely horrible, degrading way.  Not to mention dangerous. 

I need to start respecting myself, loving myself....

Also, was told that my "best girl friend," or so I thought, no longer wants to be my friend.  I'm not one to believe rumors that run through the grapevine, but I like to think I know my friend....and I believe that she'd actually tell this to our mutual friend and think that he won't turn right back around and tell me.  So, I confronted her. Maybe not in the best way, but I was upset.  Called her up this morning and said I was coming over to get my things (sounds like a break-up, doesn't it?  I guess it kind of was.)  She acted all confused, Why was I upset?  Well, friend, I've heard you no longer want to be my friend and didn't have the balls to tell  me yourself.  I had to find it out through someone else.  She replies with, "Well, you've been so negative lately."  FUCKING YES I HAVE--I have severe depression and am struggling with a serious eating disorder, I'm not La-Dee-fuckin'-Da all the time and I certainly can't plaster on a fake smile like you do.  No, I didn't actually say this, but man did I think it....

I guess I'm kind of leaving it as its been left. Fine, you don't want to be my friend anymore?  I don't need people who give up like that....Friendships endure.  And this obviously isn't, so maybe it just isn't worth my time.  We're adults, at least I am.  As far as I know, adults are supposed to act maturely and deal in rational manners--and I really feel that she isn't.  Besides, right now, I'm more important in my life. 

Dad came to see me today inbetween my shifts.  I called him crying this morning...and basically had a breakdown.  He came, we went to lunch, talked.  It was the first time that I'd actually looked him in the face and told him I have an eating disorder, and exactly how bad it is.  I think he knew before, he at least had an idea....but we've never discussed it.  It was kind of bittersweet (if something such as this can be defined as such.)  It felt good to know that now he knows...he knows.  But it felt pretty bad, too....I felt embarassed, and I felt like I shouldn't burden him with these things.  Sometimes I feel really silly when I voice the issues that I'm facing with this ED....sometimes it seems so petty and vain, shallow..in comparison to some other things in life.  But, I know it's not.  It's real.  I'm just glad he was so incredibly accepting...and willing to help out with whatever I need to make it through.  He said with such concern in his voice, "I hear you talking and I hear the sadness and pain that you feel....and when you hurt, I hurt."  And it felt really good to be hugged.  I don't think anyone will ever be able to give hugs so safe as my dad gives to me.  I needed that.

Kind of on the fritz.  Going to binge.  And then, well.....you know.  Night.