I dont like myself. I know that …
I dont like myself. I know that must sound bad but really. Its like if I take my meds or dont or smoke pot it doesnt …
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I didn't even want to eat today. It just sounded disgusting--nothing really sounded good (which is SO rare since I've developed this ED; usually I can eat ANYTHING and at ANY time.) I ate a couple slices of baguette at work, and then got a blueberry bagel with cream cheese from Brueggers. Also got a Naked juice (Orange Mango.) That's all for the afternoon....Then I ate a cup of corn chowder at work for dinner. Quite the small amount of food..in comparison with what I have been eating.
The day isn't over yet, though..and as I've let be known in my past journal entries--the binges come like flashes of lightning. Totally random, completely spontaneous--and not really triggered by anything that's really going on at that exact instant, other than loneliness (which is pretty constant, one would think I'd be used to it by now.) We'll see if the rest of the night turns out to be a huge binge/purge fest. I'm kind of worried that it just may be considering I didn't eat much at all today...
Am still feeling extremely non-sociable. Don't really want to see anyone, be around others. Make excuses to not have to hang out, especially with people I don't know very well (acquaintances, or old friends from back home.) Then again I'm a complete hypocrit--got upset with my best girl friend because she hasn't been around. Find out that her and all of my other friends have been hanging out all the time..going places, NOT inviting me to do anything. Even last Saturday, I asked them if they were doing anything that night and all said no. Found out they all hung out later that night after work............Maybe I'm being stupid about the whole thing, misunderstanding it all. Maybe they got off of work feeling like they didn't want to do anything, sat at the bar and had a couple...then decided they wanted to hang out. And just forgot to call.......I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's just that it keeps happening. And it makes me feel like shit. I'd at least like to be asked to do things once in a while--I might not always come, but I always have in the past..and I really think that getting out there, being around people can only HELP me. I don't feel like that's too much to ask. I've always been a fun person to hang out with...it really makes me feel awful that now that I'm going through a rough patch (and maybe am not the happiest person all of the time), the friends that I thought were friends maybe aren't really friends at all.......And maybe never were?
It makes me question a lot of things.
And as my relationships grow distant or fall apart, strengthened is my idea that I can trust no one. Am I choosing the wrong people as friends, or am I really that bad of a friend..that bad of a person? Do I make the mistakes that cause such friction in my friendships, my loves? I'm beginning to believe that maybe this is so. Maybe I'm just not a people person. I don't know if deep in my heart I'm willing to believe that, or accept that, though...
The scariest part of the big picture, I think, is that it looks more and more like I'm not even able to trust myself. I'm just lost, I'm so lost....Will I ever find myself again?
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HUGS TO YOU!!!! I know what you are going through... when my "friends found out that" that I had bulimia on vacation about 3 years ago, they were so upset with me. They weren't upset because I was sick and they were worried, they were upset because they weren't included in what I was going through. I only had told two people before them (my mom and sister), and they were mad because they felt they weren't being included. I know this might not make sense, but believe me, if you knew them, you would understand. True friends should want to help you because they care about you, these girls wanted to help me so they could feel good about themselves and feel like they did something good. They didn't want to help me for the right reason. Some of them wouldn't even talk to me after they saw me throw up, how terrible is that! Anyway, what I learned from that experience had made me such a better person. They were not my true friends and deep down I knew that. We had known each other all our lives, and our friendship was based on convienence. We didn't know anything but each other. After that I realized that these girls were not going to help me get through this. They weren't the kind of people I needed to be around. I needed people that would love me and care about me, and not help for their own self-fulfillment. I've met people 3 months ago that I feel closer to and have helped me. And when I say help, I don't mean that they drive me to treatment or talk about ED with me all the time, but that they help just by being good and caring people. With that said, I don't want you to think that I think you should forget these girls. I don't know your relationship with them, but maybe they are just confused and don't know what to say to you. Perhaps they feel like they might make you upset if they say the wrong thing. Maybe you could try talking to them about it and tell them that you need them now more than ever, and you'd really love if you could have their support. But do remember that you are worth it, and you deserve to be around people who make you happy... and you will find them.
Meggy62