piecesofme41808's Journal

BLAHHH!!!!!  I'm just gonna jump into this.  My stupidity is to be desired.  I honestly thought I would be pregnant again by now.  Was waiting til tomorrow to take a pregnancy test as tomorrow should be my period if it wants to go back to normal and be every 31 days as it has always been.  Monday morning at 4:30 am I thought with it being 5 days before my period I would just go ahead and take the stupid damn test and get it over with cause I couldn't wait, the suspence was killing me.  Well no need to say that it was a BFN.  To top that off I woke up at 7 am, just 2  1/2 hours later bleeding.  Seems Aunt Flo decided to come to town early and piss me off.  Haha.  I think I prolly gained 20 pounds in the past 2 months, which I REALLY DON'T need!!  I've always been an emotional eater and it's showing with this.  I can't help myself.  It's like have a bad day, eat something ya shouldn't.  5 minutes later, eat something else sweet.  EAT EAT EAT!!!   I hate this shit.  I try not to, but instead of embarrassing myself with tears in front of everyone why not just grab a snickers lol  I'm so stressed right now that nothing is going right.  I've been using nyoxin shampoo to help my air grow back cause it was falling out due to protein loss and my anemia I reckon and it was helping, but now because of all the stress I think it's all starting to fall out again.  Some of my friends are acting childish over the stupidest things and I don't know how to remain friends with them if they can't get over shit cause I can't handle anymore crap.  The stress built inside of me right now could kill someone.  I was trying to fix something the other night and was using scissors.  I was so enraged from thinking about everything that I hadn't noticed until an hour after that I had pushed those scissors so hard against my thumb that I had gashed it open.  I was numb.  I've taken so much in the past 10 years, lost so much and gained so much pain that I guess sometimes I just can't feel.  I'm gonna be so effin fat and bald by the time I get myself outta this funk that it aint gonna be funny!!  If it wasn't for my beautiful son and wonderful husband I think I woulda hung myself already lol  Somethin's gotta give damn it!  There's gotta be something comin in my future to shed a little more light on all this crap!  I thank God for all that I have everyday, for y wonderful son and husband.  But I think I deserve a little more than the crap bein thrown in my face lately. 

I gotta start exercising again and quit bellyachin haha  I really shouldn't even be here right now, I gotta go get my house cleaned up.  I've left it go for  far too long now.  It's not really bad, I've been pickin up the bi chunks. lol  I just need to get and do all the major things that have been left neglected.  As long as my family hasn't been neglected is all that matters and they have had most of my attention always.  Even when I'm at my worst, I always let my son know I love him and that I'm alright.  He knows some of what i'm dealin with and he's so helpful telling me that it's gonna alright.  He's so sweet and loving at 6 years old.  I would never trade him for the world!!!  He is my sunshine when I feel there's only rain.  My husband shows me love always too, he just doesn't talk about things so much.  He would rather hold shit in and deal with it alone.  But he does tell me I'm not fat and that I'm beautiful when I start gettin all gay about gainin more weight lol  At least I'm tall, if I was shorter I would worry more haha

Sorry to keep ranting on and on.  I haven't written in here for a while, since last month's af actually if I remember correctly and I think I feel a tad bit better getting some of it out.  I bought this journal for my little Angel Payton and I find myself feeling a little better when I write in it.  I tell her too much though, what is it her worry about other people being shitty, not in so many words to her because she's my baby lol  But I've told her personal things about going to see my grandmother and things like that and I think somehow she gave me the courage I need to go see her this weekend.  I haven't been to see my grandma since before I lost my baby.  She was so excited about having another great grand baby that I have been so scared, felt so guilty, that I haven't been able to face her.  I wrote her letter after letter I just hadn't sent any of them out.  I gonna make myself get there this weekend, no if ands or buts!!

Well okay this time I am done bitching and moaning.  I promise!  haha For now anyways.  Sorry to take up anyone's time who read this lol  Just a bunch of shit and some more shit.  But I feel a tad better now.  hehe