MomVickie's Journal

Mike and I moved with Mia to a studio apartment. It was big enough for the three of us. Not long after we moved there, I found out I was pregnant again. I prayed so hard for God to let me carry this baby, but it wasn't to be. Mike had found a new play ground in the apartment complex we moved to, and the manager came to the apartment one night and said there had been some complaints that Mike had exposed himself to some girls at the pool. I knew it was true, but I helped cover up for him, and also there had been a peeping Tom around the complex, and did he know anything about that? No! he said, and I surely didn't know anything about that myself. After the manager left, of course we had a fight, Mia started crying, and for her sake we settled down. But I couldn't help thinking about the peeping Tom part. There was a problem at the Trailor park  with a peeping Tom and now the complex, I had to ask. So I did, and his answer blew me away. After learing about his exhibitionism, you would have thought he would have opened up and told me everything, but he didn't and yes, he was the peeping Tom. Can you believe it! Mike a reserve cop running around in a cop car with another cop looking for himself. Poor, poor, Mia. What had I done, giving her two parents that one peeping tom and exposed himself, and me having anxiety attacks and my nerves were so bad. How was this going to effect her.

I lost the baby, I know from my nerves, and tension from wondering what Mike would do next. The adoption wasn't quite final as my cousin hadn't turned 16 yet and the final papers would be signed then. I had to keep this quiet from everyone, but I was about to burst. I needed to cry on someones shoulder's, I needed to scream. I lost my 3rd baby, and I was about to go nuts. My chest felt like it was going to burst.

One night after I had showered, put on my night gown, and my house coat, and gotten Mia to sleep. I had already realized that Mike had left during my shower, when he was suppose to watch Mia. I knew in my heart what he was doing or going to attempt to do. Because he had no business being out late, let alone leaving Mia to herself.

I kissed the sweet sleeping infant on the cheek and told her how much I loved her. Then I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I found a double edged razor of Mikes, and began slashing my wrists. I remember to this day the blood pumping out with every heart beat, and I layed down on the carpeted floor and closed my eyes. I couldn't take anymore........

The next thing I remember was being in the emergency room, it looked like the surgery room where they performed the D & C once they realized my baby was dead. I started screaming don't take my baby, please don't take my baby, I felt these soft hands put their extended arms around me, it was my mother. Mother, please don't let them take my baby, let me keep just one, ok? She played along with me and said ok baby doll, then someone came and gave me a shot and I was out like a light.

Apparently three day's went by before I woke up enough to know I was in a hospital room. Someone had put me in a hospital gown, my wrist were covered in gauze and tape, wondering why, I tried to get up, but I was dizzy, so I just sat there for awhile waiting for the dizzyness to go away. I saw that someone had brought be some clothes and they were sitting on a bureau, with a pack of cigarettes.

Where was I at, and what was I doing there, I couldn't figure it out. But slowly I begain to remember, and I just started crying. Then Mia came to mind and I got up and held myself up against the wall. I got to the door and yelled for someone to come.

It didn't take long for a nurse and an orderly to show up, her with a pill in a tiny cup a some water. I said Mia where's Mia? Who's Mia the nurse asked, She's my little girl, Oh the nurse said, your parents are taking care of her, she's in good hands and you don't have to worry about her. I want you to take this pill for me. With tears streaming down my face I told her NO! I didn't want to go back to sleep, I want to know why I'm in here. She told me this pill wouldn't make me sleep, it would just help me calm down and then I could find out all I needed to know. So I took the pill, but it did make me sleepy. The nurse and the orderly helped me back to bed, she said just until I calm down. I went to sleep again, and woke up the next morning, but I did feel better, not drowsy, and I could walk. So I put on my clothes and ventured down the hall and found this big room where a lot of people were. They were smoking, and I had cigarettes, and wanted one, but had no lighter. I went to the nurse and ask her for a light, and she told me it was on the wall. I was confused, so she showed me how to push this button, stick my cigarette in this hole and it would light up. Looked stupid, but it worked.  (Later) I'm tired now.