NikiJo's Journal

Well after posting my crazy, long divorce saga on here not too long ago, I received a lot of wonderful support from you guys! Helped sooooo much in knowing I am not alone in this hell. I was even actually getting to the point where I was reaching the "anger" stage of the grieving process and was feeling better about my divorce, letting the ex go, and moving out of here in a month.

Well yesterday I had a setback......

Usually I don't even see my ex that much anymore since the divorce was final a few weeks ago. He goes God knows where after work ( I assume to the OW house) and doesn't usually come home until after me and the kids are in bed. And on weekends he is gone most of the time too.

Well yesterday when I woke up he was gone as usual. Which is good because I'm busy with packing things and getting ready to move, and I don't really want him around because it just complicates things.

Well, sometime in the afternoon he comes rolling in the driveway. I was upset because I just wished he would have stayed away as usual so I could do what I needed to do. Well he stayed out in the garage most of the time and I went about my business of packing.

Later on, I decided to quit for the day and got on the computer to come to DS for some support and read posts like I normally do. Well, out of nowhere he comes in the house and sits down next to me and asks if we could talk. I looked at him and said "for what?" He said just to talk. He said he was wondering how I was doing because he hasn't been around much and wanted to know how I was. I was like "How the hell do you think I am!!!!" I'm hurt! I have to leave my home in a month and we're never going to see each other again.

I started to cry, get mad, and then I just stopped. I said ok, if you want to talk, we'll talk. So we proceeded to have this discussion that probably went on for an hour or so. It was really weird. It's like we talked about why we thought the marriage failed.......although he started to get very defensive (which is VERY typical of him) when I said that I was sorry for the mistakes that I made, but that he had made mistakes too. I told him that I thought we had a SERIOUS problem with communication and that's what destroyed this. He agreed with that. We talked about quite a few things and how I never thought his mother treated me or my kids fair.

I told him that I think it sucks that this all happened and that we should have got some counseling for our problems instead of him filing for divorce and screwing around with someone else. He told me that I used to be his "whole world" Well damn it, if that was the case then he should have agreed to get some help to at least try and fix things! I even had an appointment made back last October when he filed, but then he refused to go after he said he would.

I asked him again why was he talking to me now.....after all, why don't he just go talk to his bimbo instead? He said that there are alot of things about me that he misses. He said he misses talking to me and having me next to him at night. I couldn't even believe he was saying this shit to me after what he's put me through! I just started crying.

I asked him why until now did he go around acting like he was unaffected by this divorce. I have been asking him for months how he can just act all matter-of-fact after being married for 5 years!

Well, he told me that it was probably his way of dealing with it. He always was the type that had a hard time opening up. He wasn't one to get too emotional about things. In fact, that was one of the things we used to argue about was he always told me I was "analyzing the hell out of him"........Well, to me I was just trying to get him to talk about how he was feeling. He grew up in a very non-emotional childhood and his mother is a complete and utter raging BIII-ATCH!!! So, no wonder he is the way he is! He said that he would probably pay one of these days after I am gone.........he said it will probably all hit him and he will break down. He said right now he feels numb.

Well, I told him I wish I could feel NUMB!!!! I told him that if I could turn my feelings off right now I WOULD! I told him that this grieving thing is BULLSHIT and hit hurts like HELL! Although, I guess as much as it sucks right now, maybe it's better to go through it and get it over with, instead of prolonging the inevitable like he is doing. God help him when the reality of this all does sink into his brain!

I really think he is bipolar or has some sort of personality disorder. It's like his moods and personalities can change in an instant. And after talking to him yesterday, I believe it even more!

Well, anyway, he goes on to tell me all of the things I've done to hurt him, but then didn't want to hear anything HE said or done to hurt me! He did say that he realizes there's some things he probably should work on on himself now. I could have killed him!!!!! Why in the hell didn't he come to THAT REALIZATION while we were STILL MARRIED! It just felt like we wouldn't have had to go through all this hell for nothing if he would have said that months and months ago!!!!!

As we were sitting there talking, I started to wonder what was up with his woman that he's been messing around with since even before he told me wanted a divorce last fall. Maybe he was finding out the damn grass wasn't so green with her!!!!! Maybe SHE found out that he wasn't a freaking prize either........who knows? Although, while we were talking, his damn cell phone must have rang a dozen times. I just kept rolling my eyes because I figured it was his bitch calling. He would just look at his phone and ignore it, and then continue talking to me.

Well, after talking for a long time, he said he was hungry and was leaving to go get something to eat. He pulled me up out of my chair and gave me a hug for a long time. I should have pulled away from him, but I didn't because I miss him and God help me I still love him!

I feel like an ass because I should HATE HIM so much for what he's done to me and my kids. Any of you who have read my story knows what all I've gone through. But, in that time period sitting there and talking to him, I saw the man he used to be at times. I saw the person I loved. I saw the person who had potential. So, I stood there and hugged him back and just cried. I told him I was sorry that it ended up the way it did, and that I really wished we could go back and do it over again and not make the mistakes we did.

Then, I don't know if he was starting to feel something for me or not, but he kind of acted annoyed and pulled away from me. I asked him what what was wrong and if he was annoyed, then why did he even come to talk to me and hug me? I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he looked at me and said "I don't know" in a mad tone of voice and then he took off and left! And that was it!

I sat there more confused than I ever have in my life. I don't know if that was his way of telling me he wished he wouldn't have done what he did or if maybe he was feeling guilty..........I don't know!

I just know that now I feel like I'm back to square one in all of this grief! In a way, yesterday it kinda made me feel good that he still misses me. But then today it just makes me mad because why the hell did he get a divorce then!!!!! God, this is making me crazy. Now today, I'm just crying and confused and asking WHY!!!!!

In one month I am going to leave here and probably will never see him again since we have no kids together, and that thought is just the saddest thing I have ever dealt with. Like I said, I should hate him for all the crap he's done, but I don't. I don't know how to let go.

God, I just realized that ME and HIM were BOTH Co-dependents! No wonder our marriage was doomed from the beginning. I really tried to give him what he thought a wife should be, but in reality I don't think nothing I could ever do would make him happy. I don't think he was happy with himself! And as for me, I latched onto him because I felt I needed a man because I was a single mother with two little boys at the time. I really need to get myself together so this doesn't EVER happen to me again. I made him "everything" to me, and I shouldn't have.

Sorry I went on so long here, I am just really hurting and needed to vent.