uchilde's Journal

It's been a fairly average week ED wise.  Like most other things in life, one day will be up only to be followed by a rather lousy day. 

Average is good, I suppose.  I've done good today.  I've eaten.  I am not feeling overly guilty, and I've managed to keep it down.

I had a bit of a problem doing that very thing midweek, but what the hell is new, ya know?

There was a bit of a scare earlier in the week, not food related.  I had a momentary slide into some dark, grim realm brought on in part I assume by obvious low self worth and a need to ... well, to just need.  I am genuinely scared to be or feel alone.  In that moment earlier this week, I had the general "just end it" kind of thoughts, but to make the story shorter ... it went a bit deeper than I've ever gone, and I could actually feel myself pondering it, weighing it out in my mind as if I was trying to decide the best color of paint for a wall or whether or not to have ice cream with the peach pie. 

Mostly, it scared me because I know how I tend to progress.  I mean, for an example, just look at my ED stuff.  I'd hate to reach some point where the cons outweigh my fear and I find myself unable to resurrect my hope and emotions.  We'll hope I just never see that bleak of a day again.