uchilde's Journal

For whatever reason, between those figures and I can be fairly content, assuming I don't go too near the 160.  My problem is I'll either overeat and go over 160 and then either purge obviously or just not eat for a day or two.  Being male and having my current metabolism usually works in my favor I suppose in governing this "thing."  The thing is, I've swung that some to 150-155.  *laughing*  Of course I did!  I have because I'm afraid of going over 160. 

Here's the thing:

Valentine's Day 2006 I weighed 310. 

Valentine's Day 2007 I weighed 141. 

That is 600-700 calories per day and doing nothing but treadmill, typically wanting to burn somewhere between 2000 and 2500 a day.

I have it in my head somehow that if I go over 160 I'll keep on going up, up, up.  That is probably more a part of my OCD than anything ... or a combination.  Being at 140 scared me, because I looked bad, and because I was afraid if I didn't do something at that point I wouldn't be able to stop.  I felt I'd just keep dwindling and dwindling away.  So I kind of convinced myself to hover in the 155-160 range, but as I've said, I've slipped a little and have moved that bar downward a bit. 

That ... isn't a huge window.  Nevertheless, it's my window, and I'd be okay hoping to maintain that but I am afraid now that if I go under 150 I won't be able to stop.  Today I'm at 154.6, but I'm not eating today.

All that, and if I DO manage not to b/p, I do this thing I mentioned where I binge all day one day, and then the next day I won't eat anything ... or for as long as it takes to lose the weight I gained during the day I binged.  And then the whole thing repeats itself. 

Anyway, I don't know the point of typing all this.  I guess I'm just trying to work it out.