Osant's Journal

Well, it's been a while since I've written in my journal (no motivation). The month of Feb was horrible; Mom's birthday was Valintines day so needless to say the rest of the month lousy because of her absence. I brought her white roses,lit candles, placed them by her picture and played over and over again a live recording of her giving an extensive testomony. It was bitter sweet.

March, I was just existing and somehow desperate to go to Mom's burial side. So I flew in, picked up my sisters, got flowers and went to the site. As we pulled up my soul bled, weeped and in despair. Her grave site looked as if we had just dumped her there and was forgotten about with just a temporary metal plate ID'ing her. We purchased a bueaty of a head stone but haven't been able to place it due to the soft ground (bad rain in NJ). Thank God we had each brought artificial and real flowers. Once we arranged them and hung her ID plate properly, her area looked prettier. Continuing to do all things relating to her with respect, honor and dignity. Somehow I thought going to grave site that soon would ease the pain, make me feel her presence or that she was napping and was going to appear at any given moment. It didn't happen. I did get a piece rock from her grave to bring back to GA. Am I crazy? Our youngest sister called from Japan the eve we we went to Mom's site. She's been having nightmares about Mom. It broke my heart and silently I forgave her for not doing her part in Mom's caregiving. I don't want her to have nightmares, but instead have good memories.

Beginning April was a little better. Some of my lady nieghbors who have been very supportive, made me get out the house and interact with them. It was nice. Easter weekend horrible, first holiday without my mother. I said "God and Mom, I'm tired of crying and feeling like I do, please ease this pain". I haven't been able to even go to church.

This Tuesday, the anger towards my husband and in laws was stirred up again. He doesn't know when to stop pushing. I didn't sleep at all and feel like a walking time bomb.

He asked if I would go to his nephew's college graduation in FL. I said no and finally dropped the hint how they and he have hurt me. They have all coordinated to attend and are flying and or driving (funny how they are able to coordinate for their events, yet couldn't collectively coordinate to send flowers in lieu of thier absence to Mom's wake or furneral). Again, to this date they have not called or come by to check on me or see if I need anything. The audacity to ask me, after their bad behavior and in the midst of grieving. What about my lost and thier treatment towards me.

Yesterday,instead of leaving well enough alone, he again asked if I would reconsider. I finally laid it all out.

I'm the same wife, daughter in law, and sister in law that:

- always sat your mother at the head of table during the holidays
- that aided your mother to emergency medical care when she couldn't get hold of her children.
- supported them in every activity.

< Yet you failed to visit Mom during her 2 months in the hospital.
< Your family failed to pay their final respect to Mom. (That's the biggest hurt)
< Your family has not been there for me at all.

I concluded that in spite of not wanting to go, I'll attend with him only because he's my husband. I will be cordial and polite but that is the extent, given the circumstances. The wound is still wide open, bleeding and too freash for anything more at this time. In time the wound will close and heal. I feel very fragile.

I know that as soon as I see them, I'm going to breakdown in tears.

I still feel as if I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I feel like that almost everyday. Perhaps I need to get some nerve pills because I'm having problems trying to cope.

I want to feel better.