SeanCky's Journal

Well I had a rough day yesterday. It is sad to say when I spend a full day with my wife at our house that my pure O thoughts get worse. I never give into them thank God but man are they annoying and terrifying. For once I wish I could just do nothing and not have my mind thinking stupid crap. It is like I have to engulf myself with something to do to not think those things. Most days I am fine but it sucks when  I am not. It doesn't help that she doesn't believe me, doesn't understand, and constantly is yelling at me and controlling what I do. I have a hard decision to make because I am seriously considering throwing in the towel. I don't feel we have the connection we once had and not just because of my OCD but when I first met her she didnt care what my breath smelled like when I kissed her and now she wont kiss me if it has a hint of a bad smell. She makes love to me only on her terms and only if I do this or that. She complains saying I stink when I know I don't. Sometimes I think she is copping out. I kissed her on the cheek this morning and she just turn her head and sighs like I was a bother. I tryed laying my head on her yesterday and all she does is say oh your breath stinks. I mean come on what happened to us being sweet. All it is now is her telling me to do everything. I can't win for losing. Maybe I have some pent up agression towards her for belittling me and bad mouthing me....I don't know all I know is I don't have agression towards anyone. I am not mad or angry about anything. But I am starting to think I would be better off alone. Simply because I could make all my own decisions then. I was watching a show in the bedroom so I am told to come outside so I do. She goe to get our son so I go inside and lay down again to watch a show in our room which has cable(mind you I am doing this because my back hurts and I have to lay on my stomach). She gets home and I am told I never watch tv in the living room and I need to. So I go into the living room to watch my show and then she ask me if that show is all I ever watch. I mean wow can I do anything right???????? I dunno I am going to go back to therapy soon. I need it. I mean I can control not going through with the thoughs but God knows I want them to go away because they cause me to panic, be upset, and have strife in my life. I hate the feelings they cause