butterflyxlife's Journal

Sunday Pinney's new owners came and got her-- I cried so much after they left!!

I know in my heart I did the right thing, but that didn't stop from hurting or missing her whenever I turned around. I just hope she attaches to them as quickly as she attached to me- I know that someday I'll see her again- I sure plan on calling them to check on her and see how she is doing!

Sunday I also went up to Seattle to have a nasal flush done again- I'm supposed to hear the results today. Whether or not I'm being postponed again that is. Although I am pretty certain I will be- although the nurse told me I could have lingering symptoms but be in the clear for transplant. So we'll see. I won't hold my breath about it. My cough is INCREDIBLY diminished, but still hack something up once in awhile, and my nose still runs once in a great while as well.

I haven't gone for walks since Pinney was picked up- I think I've actually been... grieving her not being here?? Man I fell in love with her so quickly. Kai is kind of glad she is gone though- he has me all back to himself and has been sure letting me know how much he loves me too~ He is such a sweetheart!! He just makes the world a better place :) What would I do without him?

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Yesterday I spent the day with Rebekah (again) :))) We went with Heather to a gal named Mel's house and scrapbooked and talked and ate chinese food :D It was heavenly. I got the basic layout of two pages done which felt good :) Although my computer is out of ink again so I'm going to have to go buy an ink cartridge. That's ok though.

While we were talking at Mel's house, kind of a disturbing topic came up. It was that Bekah's husband KC said that if his arms or legs were going to get blown up (he is an EOD tech - he diffuses bombs of all types) he would just hug the bomb and kill himself. I could not hide my frustration at hearing that and listening to them agree. I HAD to voice my opinion.

My opinion, that it was completely giving up on life to kill yourself just because you'd be missing an arm or leg?? What kind of message is that? That life isn't worth living just because it becomes more difficult? No. I couldn't accept that at all. I was as gentle as I Could be-- but in the end I think I had pursed lips and closed fists.

These people, these people-- and maybe I just have a unique viewpoint because of my situation with leukemia, I don't know. I just don't know.

But then of course, the conversation changed into the "I don't know what I would do if my husband died." and these are just such issues for me. Because that is something I have thought a LOT about from the viewpoint of if I died--- what would Andrew do? And My answer is "I would hope that he would continue living the best that he can- and that he would try to find happiness and feel love again, and that he would grow old, have a family, and most of all LOVE. and KNOW that i Love him from wherever I may be." Which is the way I feel if he were to die. I would do my best to keep living, and I would know that his love for me wouldn't end in the spiritual realm- and that I would hope, one day, I might find happiness and love again, have a family, and grow old with the knowledge that at such a young age, I found a most incredible and wonderful man that I could not have envisioned my life without him.

But that every life has an ending- and that I was blessed to have him for the time that I did.

I would try to remember all of that- and I know I would have friends to help me remember, and to help me grieve, and to help me find happiness, and to help me keep living.

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The one thing I cannot accept, is giving up. I cannot give up. Giving up is equal to suicide, and suicide is not an option under ANY circumstance. And if I cannot give up, they shouldn't be able to give up. LOL. It's just the way I feel about it.

Kill themselves to live without an arm. Son of a bitch! I'm not saying that I would WANT to be without arms, but I would rather be without arms and ALIVE, than dead! I would rather be alive and have to deal with cancer and chemotherapy than be dead! I would rather be ALIVE no matter WHAT I was facing, than be dead. Death is not an OPTION. DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION!

DEATH IS NOT A JOKE!~

I'm not kidding that I got worked up over it.

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Guess I'm in a fighting mood then. Just checked the AML support group and in one of the newer posts someone who very very recently (Dec. '07) went into remission for the first time with AML and as much as I want to say good for you-- I also want to say "IT CAN COME BACK YOU FOOL, DON'T GET COCKY." Of course it can be gone too and not come back----- but the likelihood, the probability, statistically, with ONLY chemotherapy, is that it will come back.

And I'm just frustrated from the conversation above, and that I ran out of celexa two days ago, and that's just NOT a good combination. :///// And that I even have this stupid leukemia again. WASN'T ONCE ENOUGH GOD????????? WHYYY?? Do I have to go through all of this crap?

GOD DAMNIT I am just so angry at this precise moment. At the unfairness of the world. In about 5 minutes I'll be fine again, but at this precise second, I am pissed off at everything. At life, at God, at myself-- *sigh* *breath*

*breath in*

*breath out*

*breath in*

*breath out*

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Ok. I feel better now.