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Today has been a completely totally and utterly difficult day. I just want to quit and give up. I just don't know that I can take this anymore.
I feel like no one gives a damn about anything that I do or how hard I work or what I try to accomplish. No matter how much I do, it is not enough. No matter how hard I try, I fall short.
It just apparently doesn't matter to those I live with or those who are outside of my home that I have feelings and emotions. That I DESERVE respect and love. I have worked hard to achieve both. And yet, I am still denied.
I have been a faithful wife for nearly 6 years. I have never strayed. I have raised his son, given his son HIS name, kept his house. Given up MY dreams, MY goals, MY LIFE to futher HIS causes, HIS life, HIS career. Gratitude? Appreciation? Love? Respect? Caring? Comfort? HAH!
I can't do this anymore. I honestly can't. I can't be treated like a second class citizen in my house. Working so hard for his appreciation and being denied even the slightest bit of praise unless I guilt it out of him.
WHERE IS THE MAN I MARRIED???? The one who didn't suffer from PTSD. The one who loved me and cherished me and made me feel loved? What the HELL happened???????
Iraq happened. Iraq, wounds, battles.
HE goes to war and pays the price for our country.
I PAY THE PRICE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
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My baby brother is now officially DRIVING. I've been more like Mom than sister for all these years and I'm having a REALLY hard time with this. I should be happy for him but all I can think of is that he's growing up and I'm missing it because I'm so far away.......
To think....a year or even a few months ago being alone at night was a joyous time for me. I had peace in my soul and time to read, write, think, and grow.
Now, after the recurrence of the flashbacks, this is a time of fear, of loneliness, of awful memories....
I want to sleep, but I am not able to shut down my mind.
I want to rest, but I can't stop trying to run away.
I miss my husband, but he can't be here.
I am exhausted, but sleep cannot and will not come.
When does this end again?
When are things going to go back to "normal"?
Why is this so hard?
Why is something I was so certain I had dealt with haunting me again?
I just don't understand it......
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I went through this recently when the accomplice in my rape came into the small jewelry store I manage. I fell into a hole...started abusing prescription painpills. No one knew. "You're only as sick as the secrets you keep in your head"... or something like that. But I have fought my way out of it. It's so damn hard...sometimes I feel like it's 5 steps forward 10 steps back. But sooner than later it's more forward than back. You should read some of EmpoweredOKC's journals... he is amazing... hang in there, sister. love, jenny
Past Entries
| April 2008 |
Monday, 4/21
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I'm here I'm here.. I'm listening.. I respect and car for you. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time...
AmazingMayzie