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Well it is friday morning. And beleive it or not I work in Louisvill ky. We just had a mild earthquake. That is just crazy for this part of the country. Well anyways I was at work alone. Maybe thats a sign for me to make the eathquake in my life. Its friday and my kids went to there dads yesterday. Its so hard when I don't have them to help keep me occupied. I was so lonely last nite. I typed him a text but I didn't send it to him. I no deep inside I am better off without him. Hell if he actally loved me he would have called me by now. DUH! I no that in my heart of hearts. I just have to learn how to be alone again. See after my ex husband it was really hard to be alone. Then I met Earl and I alway had him to call and talk to. Now looking back he only cared when I was talking about what he had going on. Light Bulb!!!! I didn't want to see that. I just wanted to be wanted and loved. However thats not love at all. Being alone is really hard for a woman like me. I still have things going wrong as I tried to mow the lawn had a flat tire. Had no one to help me. So I had to call my ex husband. At least I can say that much for him. If I need something he usually tries to help me. Of course I have to listen to what he thinks. Thats just the price I pay to have him help me alittle. I could never be with him again as I have moved on from him and him from me. We just try to get along for the sake of our three kids. Now back to being alone I had learned how to do that a few years back then Earl came in my life and I didn't have to be alone anymore. Now he walked out he hasn't called or text me since. I no he is done it's just so hard not to call him. I have been really good at it though I have only texted him once he did not reply and called him once about Aunt Dorothy. Of course it was all about him he had been working alot. Still after that he never called me back. What a jerk. I will be lonely and I guess thats okay as long as I no I am doing whats best for myself and kids and thats leaving him alone. As I no he wouild do this again and again. The yo yo they call this kinda relationship. Who wins with that. I want forever, I may not find that but I will keep my eyes and ears open. However it will be awhile before my heart will be available. And thats okay it will one day and you just never no what can happen.
Today is okay. I lost it yesterday. It cost me 130.00 to fix my dishwasher. Howere my washer has gone completely out. I am being pushed to my limits. I wanted to call and share with him what was going on in my life.But I no he doesn't care as he would have called me by now. I should have let go along time before now. I just want to find myself again and be happy with who I am. I just don't want to feel bad anymore. I hate not talking to him. But I realize it was a oneway road. It was me that wanted and needed him. He only cared about what he had going on in his life. I wish I would have opened my eyes sooner. I tried to make him love me. The truth is you can't make anyone love you. If they don't there is nothing you can do to make it happen. I guess it hurts as he said the words but his actions were totally different. It's hard everyday. I no I will never forget him. I hope I will not think about him as much with effort to put this in my past and start living for today. Today I am looking for the stronger woman I no I can be and have to find. It's hard but I no deep inside I will live and make the best of what I have left of my heart.
I thought about his anut dororthy all day yesterday. I wanted to call to see how she was doing. Then I kept asking myself am I just calling about Aunt Dorothy or do I just want to call him.So due to fact I kept questioning myself I didn't call. Then my daughter and I went to taco bell. I told her I was thinking all day Of Aunt Dorothy and she said you no I have been thinking how shes doing today myself. So when we got in the car I called him. As that made me really worry something was wrong. He answered as it was my new number but hell I had already texted him on saturday.So I new he new it was me. He answered and his voice was calm not all stresses like before. I asked about her and he said he saw her on Sunday and she was about the same. Then he said about three times I have been working alot. He never once said Brenda how are you doing not anything with any concern in how I was or have been. It had been 10 days since he moved out but 18 days since I have actually seen him. At the end of of the conversation he stated to say something and I said Well I was just wanting to check on Aunt Dorothy and we hung up. Part of me wanted to say I love you but my daughter was with me so I didn't. That was good I guess as I no I would have put myself out there to be rejected again. I don't need anymore rejection. Hell I have had enough of that the last 3 weeks. Hereing his voice just makes my numb inside. The rest of the evening I thought well maybe he will call me now. However I no he will not and I just have to get use to that. It hurts to care about someone and them not have any conceration to ask how have you been. He just kept saying I been working alot. Like he was making excuses. I never asked him anything about hisself. I stayed right on track with what I called about. I think I was able to do that because my daughter was there and I did'nt want her to see me set myself up for more hurt. She needs to see me be stronger then before. She has seen me put up with more for her dad and now Earl then she should have ever seen. Oh well I guess he is at peace. His only worries are about himself ,his son,mom. Those are really the only people in his life he ever has concern about if they are hurt or in any trouble. As much as I hurt I am feeling better everyday. I realize that life is to short to spend on someone that is so self centered. I mean in a real loving relationship don't both parties suppose to care about each others feelings. Sometimes it will lean toward one person more then the other,but it should be both that care. I don't no if he will ever care about anyone else. I am sure he will like he did with me in the beginning until they give him there heart then he will nove on and only care how he will survive. How sad to be that self envolved.
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