suziesmom's Journal

Hubby and I had a moment last night getting ready for supper, our first one without sis and family, to start with it was hard, Stephen is leaving tomorrow so i had decided to fix one of his favorite meals-sausage gravy with biscuits and cheesy scrambled eggs(yes for supper). It was hard from the start trying to figure out how much to make(Suzette loved food and was a big eater). Then hubby cleared the table to set, I turned from the stove once and saw him just leaninf bent over the table and thought he was thinking of 4 instead of 5 like me, went back to cooking and the next time i turned around he had taken a leaf from the table! "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"  he was again leaning over the table shaking with tears.

I have to stop and give a little background here.  When Suzette was 15, 16 she was unbearably a teen, and for a while drs. thought bipolar due to violent outburst of throwing herself against wals ect...(turns out the bipolar acts were bad a.d.h.d. med mix again and again). Anyway it was a very sressful, emotional, hateful time(and not all was meds), and at one point she said something to me(don't even remember what it was now) that was so hateful and hit me at the right time where i disowned her, took all her pics off the wall, baby books and photo albums out of shelves and gave them to her. I also took a leaf out og the table so the table fit 4, I was ver5y hurt to say the least. Hubby had to deal with her and he kept telling her we need to work this out and get the leaf back in the table to make our family whole again, well the leaf got put back in and she began growing up and realizing it wasn't just about her it was a family. I have always felt a certian selfish guilt over this incident even though it opened her eyes and she was becoming evrything i could ask for in a caring daughter, so when he took that leaf out all i could do was go hug him and cry with him for a while. We had discussed eventually doing it but it just caught me by surprise to turn and see it gone, he asked if he should put it back in and i said no as long as the boys were ok with it, they were. So i guess this is another step towards healing for me and after tomorrow it would have been harder having 2 empty seats. This is something that gives us more needed room in the kitchen and had to be done sooner or later. While it hurts to do this i do feel like it is a step towards healing, that i needed.

 Boys had counsling yesterday and coyunsler agrees time alone with me and David needs to be spent carefully so he will not resent Stephen coming home and having to share me again. David has had seperation problems from me sincwe birth, literly, in the hospital 2 days i had about 2 hours sleep other that 10 min here and there because everytime i put David down he would wake up and cry til picked up, now on my last night there the nurses had decided i needed some sleep as i had 2 kids at home to care for once there and they took David to the nursery, you guessed it for 2 hours then they were bringing him back, he had not stopped crying the whole time and they were afraid of him crying so hard he'd give himself a hernia. The counsler also has concerns that he can not wrap his head around the idea that things are not going to ever be the way they were, he knows she is gone, never coming back but can't understand not going back to the way things are. I really need to pull my head out of my arse and start giving him more of what he needs to get through.

 I guess I've rambled enough and need to go start laundry before in-laws get here(they are supposed to be coming again), also have to do some shopping on whaqt Steophen needs for his trip. Hoping all have a good day luv and hugs to all.