virpi's Journal

After my car accident and subsequent diagnosis with Bipolar-I Disorder two years ago, I searched for and found someone who became my personal one-on-one spiritual counsellor. She doesn't belong to my denomination, but looks at faith in a broader way--just what I needed at the time.

After nearly two years, I still choose to have a session with her almost every week, usually on Fridays. She is a chaplain, but was once also a psychiatric nurse, so she understands both my myriad spirtiual questions, as well as my umpteen mental health concerns.

The mental health services in the more rural parts of the Province of Ontario are not always strong, and where we live, I find them particularly weak. Although our government pays for visits with psychiatrists and some other help from the district's mental health services, the visits with the Pdoc's are about three months apart (whereas they're much better in larger urban centres).

If I hadn't had someone to talk to and visit regularly each week after getting out of the mental health hospital in May 2006, I believe I would have suffered and been at a much greater risk of relapse than I have been. My spiritual counsellor "M" has, imo, literally been a godsend.

One thing I've noticed is that my days after meeting with her are usually the best days of the weeks. Maybe part of this is because they are usually Fridays, but I believe a lot of it comes from speaking with her and speaking with her as deeply and honestly as I can.

Today we discussed my BDI results, but also my thoughts about and experiences with depression this week. But we also talked about the many amazing coincidences that weave into and out of our lives, and in my life specifically this past week.

Coincidences are not usually good subjects to discuss with some psychiatrists (especially if they're not into that sort of way of looking at the world), nor--unless they're Jungian--with other therapists or counsellors. Early on in our sessions, "M" encouraged me to share both my delusions (of grandeur, etc.) and my experiences with "everyday" coincidences. I realized that by sharing both, I had another person who could keep track of my ideas and perceptions of the "invisible" things in life (including spiritual ideas, faith, synchronicity).

Once we had a relationship of trust and understanding, I could share the most bizarre ideas or experiences and not feel "M" would automatically panic. Instead, I discovered that she would listen, take into account all my behaviour (was I sleeping enough, eating enough, talking at a normal speed, thinking calmly, at a reasonably okay mood, and so on), give her feedback about my experiences, smile, and sometimes just say... "yes, that's a normal spiritual experience. It happens." In short, she was often able to put my unusual, awesome, and often inexplicable experiences into the bigger picture, to "normalize" them, and help me realize that many so-called "normal" people experienced these things too.

Sometimes, "M" has also expressed concern, especially if she's thought my energy level is too inexplicably high or low. Those times we've agreed to watch how I'd do over the next few days, and I'd promise to call if I was concerned.

Today, I was just glad to see her again, and shared with her both the highs and lows of the week. I struggled with genuine bouts of depression, but they'd go up as the day progressed, and one day they went really high up after I discovered that one of my acquaintances is an excellent, published author (whose books I am reading now)... and I hadn't realized this before. (I really need to get a better educated about today's authors and literature.) I went from waking up to a deep depression, to feeling thrilled to bits about my acquaintance's most recent writing award.

I live vicariously sometimes.