gema24's Journal

ive since gave birth to a beautiful daughter i named her ebony. she is now 18 days old. when i first gave birth my mum came down for 3 days mainly so my partner couldnt stay hanging around and because i thought he would try it on. i dumped him on the 2nd day and he seemed gutted but not violent and he made me feel bad and guilty i kept to it till the 3rd day i saw how he was with ebony and he was great seemed like he had really bonded. so i gave him another chance but on the 4th day he had me by the throat all because i suggest i would like ebony to have my name and early on he even suggested it. but no that meant i was cutting him out and he went mad told his mum i was being selfish and she went funny with me. after that he was all loving trying it on with me. i kept saying weeks before no sex for the first 6 to 8 weeks and he said yeah but he was getting all exciting saying go on let me try if it hurts i'll stop i said no and kept pulling my trousers up he kept doing it then he said what if i ignore you i said well theres not much i can do so he went to pull my trousers again this time i didnt do anything as i thought if you care as much as you say then you wont but he did ok he went gentle but its not the point. on the 6th day he went mad had me by the throat several times threw me around the whole house like a rag doll and thats his words as he felt bad. and said i was ill and needed help and again later trying it on.

last week i went out to my mums it was her birthday when i came back he said i was acting werid which meant i cheated on him and all i got was tell me i wont get mad i will forgive you and that was the only day he would forgive me and i kept saying i havent. i wanted to meet my cousin on the friday and he said i couldnt i told him i was and he had me by the throat again telling me i wasnt going out and i said i was he said you wont with a black eye and i said i would and he pushed me and with him doing that he caught me with his nail and i had a scratch mark on my chest to which he felt bad about.

i met by cousin again on the saturday at the bowling alley with her kids and mine as we havent had much time to catch up and shes moving away. shes also been in a vilent relationship which is why shes moving and i thought we could swap stories and rant at each other. well she asked if i wanted to go out with her on the saturday night i said yes if i can get a babysitter and the only person i no was my partners mum i asked her she said yes so i started getting ready he came round and wasnt happy at all he then went round and told his mum not to babysit but at the last min he felt bad and went and fetched her. he asked for a private word while waiting for a taxi to which he told me i was his girlfriend he pulled a knife out and said he would be following me and if any men were mauling me he was going to stab them and that it would be my fault.

i went out and half way through the night my mate saw him and the way he was standing and everything i just carryed on. he went home because i didnt go over to talk to him. and we had several arguments about it.

he keeps accusing me of cheating. and he was trying it on with me the day he pushed me i said no and he kept saying so i said do what you want and he said ok and started having rough sex saying im giving you a good fucking and the way he was staring at me reminded me of another time he had sex with me which i didnt want.

and i told my cousin about all this to which she told my parents and her and my mum went to soical services and they came to see me on monday and i had to tell him to which he wasnt at all happy about and he got me to text my cousin asking what she had said to which she replyed just that your scared of him and that hes grabbed at you again and demanding sex to which he kicked off and told me he was going to show what demanding sex is.. he stared unbuttoning my top and pulling at my trousers then he stopped and said see i cant do it he then said u look like a rape victim and i said to him about when ive said no before and he was ov getting turned on and he said well ive got nothing to lose so he pulled my clothes off started having sex with me stopped and i went to move and he said ive not finished yet as im demanding sex ok and i replyed no which got him going and he said u dont like this see the difference and i said i never said u demand sex and no i dont want this to which he said oo said it again that turns me on.

after wards i was shaking as i was cold and he had a go at me saying i was acting like a rape victim.

the next day he had a new plan as ss want me to go to my parents ,a refguee or report him to the police and he said i can lie and say it was just drunk harmless talk that i didnt mean.

well i didnt when i could of yesterday and he was having a go at me so today i did lie they didnt belive me and he thinks its ok he said if the kids get taken of me he will stand by me and we will get them back and coz i said no we wouldnt hes having a go at me.he said i told his mum about him forcing sex i cant remember this so hes not happy about that.

i no i will lose my kids if i dont pick one of these choices but hes admant they cant do what theyve said..

ive told him when i talk about our relationship i talk like i want out and when im with him i said no lets stay together coz as stupid as it sounds with all hes done and this is just the last 2 and half weeks and weve been together over a year and the ss said 3 quaters of the relationship as been domistically violent. i still care and i feel bad for him!!! i feel like i must do something to make him like it and that i must do things on purpose to wind him up.

im getting to the giving up part and feel like im stuck.

ive properly got a week 2 tops before the choices get taken away and i lose my children. if i lose them i dont see the point.

more things have happened via verbal abuse and i forget most as i havent got the best memory but i feel stripped down in everyway possiable.

again why is life like this why didnt i break away when he first did something. or why did i even get with him?

the other day he was talking to me and promising he will never hurt me and i repeated it back and he addmitted he doestnt no deep down if he could keep his temper from me.

the last two days ive had a slap in the face yesterday was actually in front of people on the way up town. i may have derversed that one as i was really down thinking im losing my kids my son who is 2 and half was being naughty and walked in to me where i nearly fell so i grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him up and to the side and told him off to which my partner slapped me in the face. so i no i was asking for that one but the one before i went downstairs with ebony and came back up to fetch my son and he said i went in with ebony i said no and i got a slap in the face i didnt even fall out with him i just acceptted it ive told no one but on here.