Piff's Journal

Well, for the first time in seven years I have finally attended church.

It was a wonderful to go back I must say.  It put me in a great mood and removed much of my anxieties for most of the day.  This is definitely something that I do plan on continuing doing for hopefully the rest of my life.  My girlfriend and I have found what believe to be possibly a perfect church for us to attend in Norman for when we move in August.    

Lauren and I drove around after lunch today looking at houses and some landscaping.  I must say that it was very fun.  It has been quite a while since I have done anything like that and doing it with her was most enjoyable.  Once we arrived to her house from our long journey of house viewing we took a nap.  It had been a hard night for me to sleep through because the previous day Lauren and I had a long talk about God, demons, and attending church.  Some of the things we talked about really bothered me and I found much of it to be very frightening.  It has triggered some thoughts of that a demon or something is going to get me.  That night after I was finally able to fall asleep I again woke because of a very loud crack of thunder at 3:45.  It was SO LOUD!  When I awoke from it my television shut off and that scared me.  I gave myself some time to calm down and I went back to sleep a little bit after 4am.  Anyways, after Lauren and I took a nap I began to work on my religion paper for class and within time I began getting paranoid.  I was beginning to do my thing where I fear that I am being stalked my a demon.  I fear that I am hearing voices (of course there is not) not even the slightest word.  It is more like when you watch a scary movie and afterwards you think that you heard a noise in the closet or a different room in the house.  Then I do my thing where I think I am seeing faces.  Am I? No.  I am constructing faces out of any object that I see in the room.  There is nothing.  But yet I still hold on to these fears and it takes me a long period of time to shake them off.  It is very annoying because it steals a lot of things that I normally enjoy.  I try to watch a movie, but all I can think about are these things.  It just loops through my head continuously.  I then begin to think about all of this SO MUCH that I begin to feel like I am crazy.  It sucks.  Hopefully these feelings will pass in time.  It is really hard to deal with all of this.

I must say after Lauren and I had a conversation about the Bible I have been feeling so restricted.  It feels like it is going to take FOREVER to change myself.  It also makes me wonder if I am going to change so much that I am no longer going to carry my personality that I once had.  I tend to make inappropriate jokes sometimes and well, that is just me.  Its what I do.  Of course that is not all of my personality consists of, but that was merely an example of something that I do not want to part with.  Just because it is me and it is who I am.  Other questions having been flowing through my mind.  Will I or should I continue to pursue having sexual intercourse?  I have learned that this is actually I really bad thing to do.  It is apparently adultery.  I don't want to dissappoint God.  I don't want to disappoint or  one that make God sad for my actions.   Hmmm...there were actually other questions that I had going through my head but this is currently the only one I can think of. 

It also feels really overwhelming to have to make so many lifestyle changes, learn about the bible, learn how I should correct my life, and etc.  This will definitely take some time.  A lot of time.  Just because some things I don't think I will be able to change about myself yet.  It seems so selfish and it makes me feel bad.  It gives me this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am very lustful.  I have always been like this and have this urge to constantly think about sex, have sex, or masturbate while thinking lustfully.  This is going to be difficult to overcome and I hope to defeat this urge and replace it with something that is not sinful.  Something that is positive.

I talked to Lauren on the phone just a little bit ago.  I talked to her about some of the things that were bothering me.  When I speak to her about these things I can kind of sense that she doesn't want to have to deal with this stuff in the tone of her voice.  I ask her if I am bothering her with this and she of course says "no."  I don't want to chase her away with all of this.  I just don't know if should talk to her about these things or if I should keep it as a discussion to have only with my therapist.  Which reminds me, I need to make an appointment with my therapist.  It has been almost a month since I have seen him.  Maybe that is what I am really lacking.  A good 1 hour conversation with someone where I can get a lot of this stuff off of my chest without feeling guilty for bothering Lauren. 

I will not give up.  I will continue to try my best.  I know that at times I may be feeling completely overwhelmed and feel like I am going through my worst fears or anxieties, but I should never blame this on my Lord.  God has a plan for me and one day perhaps I will have an understanding towards all of this.  I also should not complain about this.  Yes it sucks.  Yes it feels awful.  Yes it is affecting my everyday life.  BUT!  I should not complain.  No grumbling.  No complaining. 

I should live my life so that when it comes to die, I have nothing to do but die.