Piff's Journal

Well, for the first time in seven years I have finally attended church.

It was a wonderful to go back I must say.  It put me in a great mood and removed much of my anxieties for most of the day.  This is definitely something that I do plan on continuing doing for hopefully the rest of my life.  My girlfriend and I have found what believe to be possibly a perfect church for us to attend in Norman for when we move in August.    

Lauren and I drove around after lunch today looking at houses and some landscaping.  I must say that it was very fun.  It has been quite a while since I have done anything like that and doing it with her was most enjoyable.  Once we arrived to her house from our long journey of house viewing we took a nap.  It had been a hard night for me to sleep through because the previous day Lauren and I had a long talk about God, demons, and attending church.  Some of the things we talked about really bothered me and I found much of it to be very frightening.  It has triggered some thoughts of that a demon or something is going to get me.  That night after I was finally able to fall asleep I again woke because of a very loud crack of thunder at 3:45.  It was SO LOUD!  When I awoke from it my television shut off and that scared me.  I gave myself some time to calm down and I went back to sleep a little bit after 4am.  Anyways, after Lauren and I took a nap I began to work on my religion paper for class and within time I began getting paranoid.  I was beginning to do my thing where I fear that I am being stalked my a demon.  I fear that I am hearing voices (of course there is not) not even the slightest word.  It is more like when you watch a scary movie and afterwards you think that you heard a noise in the closet or a different room in the house.  Then I do my thing where I think I am seeing faces.  Am I? No.  I am constructing faces out of any object that I see in the room.  There is nothing.  But yet I still hold on to these fears and it takes me a long period of time to shake them off.  It is very annoying because it steals a lot of things that I normally enjoy.  I try to watch a movie, but all I can think about are these things.  It just loops through my head continuously.  I then begin to think about all of this SO MUCH that I begin to feel like I am crazy.  It sucks.  Hopefully these feelings will pass in time.  It is really hard to deal with all of this.

I must say after Lauren and I had a conversation about the Bible I have been feeling so restricted.  It feels like it is going to take FOREVER to change myself.  It also makes me wonder if I am going to change so much that I am no longer going to carry my personality that I once had.  I tend to make inappropriate jokes sometimes and well, that is just me.  Its what I do.  Of course that is not all of my personality consists of, but that was merely an example of something that I do not want to part with.  Just because it is me and it is who I am.  Other questions having been flowing through my mind.  Will I or should I continue to pursue having sexual intercourse?  I have learned that this is actually I really bad thing to do.  It is apparently adultery.  I don't want to dissappoint God.  I don't want to disappoint or  one that make God sad for my actions.   Hmmm...there were actually other questions that I had going through my head but this is currently the only one I can think of. 

It also feels really overwhelming to have to make so many lifestyle changes, learn about the bible, learn how I should correct my life, and etc.  This will definitely take some time.  A lot of time.  Just because some things I don't think I will be able to change about myself yet.  It seems so selfish and it makes me feel bad.  It gives me this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am very lustful.  I have always been like this and have this urge to constantly think about sex, have sex, or masturbate while thinking lustfully.  This is going to be difficult to overcome and I hope to defeat this urge and replace it with something that is not sinful.  Something that is positive.

I talked to Lauren on the phone just a little bit ago.  I talked to her about some of the things that were bothering me.  When I speak to her about these things I can kind of sense that she doesn't want to have to deal with this stuff in the tone of her voice.  I ask her if I am bothering her with this and she of course says "no."  I don't want to chase her away with all of this.  I just don't know if should talk to her about these things or if I should keep it as a discussion to have only with my therapist.  Which reminds me, I need to make an appointment with my therapist.  It has been almost a month since I have seen him.  Maybe that is what I am really lacking.  A good 1 hour conversation with someone where I can get a lot of this stuff off of my chest without feeling guilty for bothering Lauren. 

I will not give up.  I will continue to try my best.  I know that at times I may be feeling completely overwhelmed and feel like I am going through my worst fears or anxieties, but I should never blame this on my Lord.  God has a plan for me and one day perhaps I will have an understanding towards all of this.  I also should not complain about this.  Yes it sucks.  Yes it feels awful.  Yes it is affecting my everyday life.  BUT!  I should not complain.  No grumbling.  No complaining. 

I should live my life so that when it comes to die, I have nothing to do but die. 

Being friendless is getting harder and harder for me.  I keep feeling like I won't ever make a best friend.  I'm getting older and the older you get the harder it is to meet people.  I just can't stand feeling like this.  I feel so empty.  I need someone that I can talk about whatever with.  Yes, I have a girlfriend but there is so much that you can talk about with each other.  If she does something to get on my nerves i'm not going to go and say it to her.  It also does not mean that just because my girlfriend does something that gets on my nerves I don't love her.  I love her very much.  It would be nice to vent with someone and to just hang out and play sports, hang out, go to the movies, etc. 

I feel also because I have very little socialization in my life that is taking a toll on my sanity.  I just think of things that scare me all the time.  I suppose because my mind gets so damn bored.  I really need a good night of sleep.  This sleep deprivation is making me really zoned and really out of it all the time.  I am just ready for these feelings to end.

I can't focus...i'm going to stop writing.

Well, I was on the way to pick up some dinner from chic-fil-a when I finally pinned down a thought that has been drifting through my head for a while now....I feel old.  I feel as though my age is holding me back from things in my life such as, making friends or just socializing with anyone.  All of my friends (that I  care about) have pretty much moved out of the Dallas/Ft Worth area for school or to pursue careers.  Not like I should complain about people moving when I am going to do this myself in August, where I will be moving to Oklahoma.  Anyways, its like everywhere I go everyone is still in high school (movies, stores, concerts, etc).  Not that I have a problem with people younger than me at all.  In fact, I would gladly be friends with people younger than me, its just that I just have the feeling that most people younger than 20 would not want to even talk to me. 

I just really hate this repetitive lifestyle that I am trapped in at the moment.  I wake up, eat, nap, watch tv, excercise, eat, watch tv, and go to bed around 2am.  It is ridiculous.  I just have absolutely no one to even talk to.  Not even on aim or facebook do I have anyone to converse with.  I just don't know anyone and how am I supposed to get to know anyone.  How do you meet new people exactly?

I know that I will probably meet many people at the University of Oklahoma, but more than anything it will be fairly difficult to actually be "friends" with people that are my age at a university because more than likely most people already have their cliques.

I guess maybe what is really bothering me is that I don't want to spend my summer alone.  I am just making up excuses why I am going to have to continue my lifestyle that I am currently living.  The only person that I even know is Lauren and she just had back surgery and cannot really do anything at all.  Not that I don't enjoy coming over to her house and watching tv shows or movies, I sincerely enjoy doing that.  I am just missing something in my life and it is socialization.  I just fear that I will continue living my life alone and never make any friends.  :/

Well, I guess the only thing I can do is to try my hardest and give it some time. 

I started thinking more about all of this again today so I decided to add on to my journal.

I feel as though I am wasting my life.

Staying indoors because I don't know anyone and have no idea where to meet people.  I guess I just don't enjoy going to places where probably many people meet such as, bars, clubs, or just any type of event.  I am just waaaay to shy for those things.  Plus I don't drink alcohol because it makes me anxiety shoot through the roof. 

I feel as though I am following the footsteps of my mom.  I am not saying that I she is stupid or that I don't like who she is because I love her very much.  It's just that I don't want to not have friends my whole life and get married to someone just because they are the only person that pays attention to me.  Many people when they get married they NEVER make friends after that.  You are locked in to a committment that keeps you in a repetitivie daily life of getting up, going to work, coming home, and sleeping.  I MUST have change in my life!  It is imperative!  Sometimes I think that some couples just have kids because they are bored with this redundant lifestyle and want a change.  Then shortly regret that they wanted that change because it was not actually what they wanted.  Perhaps what they really wanted was a friend and well, a child is not your friend.  Kids are just good for breaking the things you love and for annoying the shit out of you with their crying, screaming, pooping, etc.  (by the way, I don't like kids very much)

Haha.  I swear, I ramble so much with my writing that I have to stop where I am at and re-read my paragraph to figure out what the hell I was originally talking about.

ANYWAYS, I just don't want to have that life....yet.  Eventually everyone gives in to that lifestyle with the marriage and kids and all.  More than likely because everyone else is married and you just can't make friends with married people. 

Also, since I am in a relationship, I kind of feel like I am not allowed to search for friends.  Well, its more of they don't like you to be in search of friends of the opposite sex.  I get along so much better with women than I do men.  It is how I have alawys been since I was in first grade.  Probably because I enjoy shopping and actually enjoy talking.  I can talk on the phone, aim, or in person for hours. 

To get back to what I was originally talking about.  I don't want to waste my life away.  Life is short.  I don't want to live it alone.  Some people probably enjoy having that alone time, but I definitely don't like it very often.  I need friends.  They straighten me out.  Friends have always removed my anxiety from my life and I am certainly ready for that anxiety to diminish and live a good life. *sigh*