dragonmaster's Journal

I want to share a story that might help my  friends here on DailyStrength. Many years ago I moved to Tennessee after the death of my 22 month old daughter. I had given another daughter up for adoption who was born about the same time. My marriage ( my second ) was over for obvious reasons. I had been betrayed, tortured, and killed inside.

When I buried my daughter I felt I had been buried with her and my life was over. After moving to Tennessee I immersed myself in work so i wouldn't have to think, feel, or deal with any of the problems, feelings, emotions that I had churning inside me.

I had a nervous breakdown, the depression, the emotion cost me my life savings, my friends, my family, all the life energy I had.

It took three years to get thru the gloom and darkness. One day i sat on my porch looked across the street and found my soul mate ( if there is such a thing ) we went out on a date and dated a couple of times but my problems, her problems, my drinking, my attitude all got in the way.

We seperated as friends, she married someone else, I lost contact, I once again  felt betrayed, what a cruel friend fate was, i fleeting was destiny.

I put my life back together, got my drinking under control, took a self inventory, worked on me.

Seven years later, divorced my soul mate walked back into my life.  We  have been together ever since. Is our relationship perfect, far from it, do we have a lot in common, no, do we fight, disagree yes. But together we work hard to keep things going. Do we love each other every day, no, sometimes it seems all the love is gone, but the next day there it is, just where we left it, and it grows a little more knowing we still want it.

The daughter I put up for adoption found me, she had a great life, much better than i could of ever gave her. Is our relationship close, not really. Is it perfect, not really. Did knowing her now give me a sense of closure, did it show me i did the right thing. Sometimes.

I am proud of my daughter, I am proud of all my kids. I think of them every day.  I messed up my life, there life, and many lifes around me. The battle to fight my bipolar, and schisophrenia has caused many casualties.

But today as I sit down at my computer life is good, I have a home, a car, a job, a great life partner ( we marry after ten years this april ) I have a few close friends, and I have for the most part more peace than ever in my life.

Seven years and many obstacles it took to get my soul  mate besides me ( she is the third person I felt was my soulmate ) it took many years of struggles to get my finances under control and we are still struggling as is  everyone.

Despite all that is good, i still go to bed some nights wishing I would not wake up, wishing i did not have to face another day. There are still times I want to give up and walk away from it all. But every morning like the fresh dew on the grass, I find that if i try real hard I can make it up, make it thru breakfast and face the day.

When all seems lost, we sometimes have to do the hardest thing in the world and that is to wait for life to catch up to our dreams. Destiny has its own time and place, sometimes it is hard to wait but destiny can not be rushed.

I have learned one important lesson along the way. I own my emotions, my peace, my serenity. I will not give it away, or allow anyone to take it. I control my own lifes path. I will not allow anyone to take me where I do not want to go. I will not let anyone stop my from going in the direction I want to go.

Today will be a good day, I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I do know who brings tomorrow, so he can worry about it. I shall live for today.