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Samadian's Journal

separation anxiety Mood

Saturday, May 17, 2008

My Mom emailed and invited me to a family dinner this Sunday. I said no. My Dad emailed and said he thinks I'm courageous and that he's never abused my son. He even said he admires my fierce desire to protet him. I believe him. It was a heartfelt, honest response. I think he may be getting help. Woohoo! I want to email them and tell them it's all okay. Everything is fine. But it's not. I still need my space. I simply thanked him for his email. I needed it. More than ever, I needed to know my Dad isn't or hasn't abused my son sexually. Emotionally, sure, on occasion. I can cope with that. I have. Because I know about it. I know my Dad knows when he does it.

Perhaps my son's anxiety isn't his. I was very depressed while I was pregnant. He has been abandoned by his father. We have been so entrenched in a toxic family.

I read an amazing post yesterday from a DS member who had lost her son. She said that she feels like she doesn't listen to her daughter enough. She is so wrapped up in her grief that she doesn't have time for the child she has left. That struck a chord with me. I know that when I listen to my son, really listen and not criticize or guide or parent, he relaxes. I have the ability to change his mood. He is always wanting me to play with him and hang out with him and do stuff with him. I get frustrated because I already spend way more time with him than the average parent. He doesn't want to be separated from me. Now that I THINK I have some of it sorted, I can take steps to nurture and address and help. Maybe not fix, but help.

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Comments

All you have is today.
You have done a tremendous job thus far in problem solving and recovery efforts.
You choose wisely and in a well balanced manor.
The professional advice you are receiving is accurate and on target.
Any mother who critics her parenting style to enable improvement in her interactions with her child, is a much better mother than she realizes.
When I first entangled myself from an abusive spouse, I forgot to factor in that in addition to the separation anxiety I was feeling, I was going through withdrawal.
Abuse and toxicity are like drugs.
I had to move into a kind of emotional halfway house until I could cleanse my mind enough to venture into the rest of the world.
Everything you are experiencing seems very natural and expected.
Sweet woman. Great recovery efforts.

GoodGod
Oi, I thought I'd commented on this, but I guess I didn't. I just wanted to say that I hope your dad didn't abuse your son. His denial isn't proof of innocence, but I guess as long as your son doesn't accuse him, you can breath a little.

Have you asked your sister outright if he abused her? I know she says she doesn't want to talk about it, but I wonder if you ever have talked candidly about it.

I'm glad you've found some support in dealing with your son. I think he is lucky to have you for a mother. Regardless of past mistakes, the fact that you are in recovery gives him a lot of advantages. And I know that you will protect him. As TLCDaisy says, you are the "momma lion" and will protect your little one in one in ways that your momma wasn't able to protect you.

I hope you're OK, Sam. I'm thinking of you! *hug*

bato
This post..has inspired me 2 spend more time w/ my daughter...thank uuu.

JTFeeliNBlues
Yes Bato, I asked my sister. She says the person who abused her is no longer in the family and that she discussed it with him and has chosen not to be a victim anymore. I sent her a really nasty email when she said that to me. I believe it's absurd to even suggest people choose to be victims. Especially rape victims. If I can admit my brother abused me, why can't she step up and name her abuser?

I still think it was my Dad who abused her. My Dad would so apologize and tell her he's not the same person anymore. He is a courageous man in many regards. Sexist as all hell, but he has some courage. I never felt my Dad would touch me but I did hate his guts for a long time. My therapist says that sometimes sons act out the fantasies of their fathers. I may never know the truth. It's hard to figure out what to do now. I know my son misses my parents a great deal.

Samadian