kenseir's Journal

     Ernest Hemingway wrote in part, "The world breaks everyone...but some people get strong in the broken places."  I feel strong.  I feel indomitable.  My life is as perfect as I can make it in this moment.  That is what I focus on.  Although, it might not appear so, I am a real person.  I have moments of doubt; crisises of confidence and faith. I am sometimes dubious about God's exact plan for my life.  But, I continue on.  That's the victory.

     Albert Camus suggested, in part, that the notion of suicide is the only rational course for a being that objectively looks for the meaning of life.  The notion that life doesn't make sense and the things that we do, the activities we engage in are mere distractions from one undeniable truth: We will die and this is all there is--this seems to be his inescapbale conclusion.  Apologies, if I've managed to over-simplify his position.

      Life is sometimes a crucible and it pushes us past areas where we'd be comfortable.  Life will push us in to the deep water; in to the darkness and leave us to grope around and falter.  Adversity will make us stronger; pain will make us stronger.  But, learning the lessons that life teaches will make us stronger still.

      Some of us are lonely.  Some of us have been cheated on.  Some of us have been cheaters.  There are the drug addicted; sex addicted; drug addled and codependent among us.  In all of that, there are lessons to make us strong and stronger still.  A few of us have sold our self respect in exchange for a warm body.  We've consented to being degraded and verbally and physically abused.  Why?  Because strength is something other people have.  Strength belongs to special people; people more special than you or I.

      Strength isn't just about physicality.  Sometimes, the strongest thing one can do is see a situation for exactly what it is.  Sometimes, you need to recognize that you're an addict or a fool or a weakling or a whore.  Sometimes, you need to see that the person you're with is a user or an enabler or an asshole.  And, you need to see that just because someone is your family doesn't make them right.

      Strength is knowing when to let the wrong things go.  Or knowing when to tune the wrong things out.  When we get right down to it, we are all we have.  We are the ones who have to love ourselves.  We are with ourselves 24/7.  I've often heard it said, "Why can't he/she see the good in me?"  How can anyone see the good when you fail to see it and celebrate it in yourself?  It's not anyone's fault if they can't see your stellar qualites, if your horrible qualities are the only ones you advertise.

      It's been said, "If he/she really loved me, they'd make the effort!"  If you really loved yourself, you'd make the effort--to love yourself first.  We may have wounds of various sorts, but wounded is not all that we are.  There is strength in us.

      Camus also wrote, "In the depths of winter I finally learned that within me
there lay an invincible summer."   We have to love all the parts of ourselves.  Our invincible Summer is there.  We are more than our addictions; more than our physical infirmities.  The effort to embrace and love who we are in this moment will makes us strong in the broken places--strong enough to stand; strong enough to live and strong enough to thrive.