Seattlegrl's Journal

So it has been awhile since I have wrote anything here.  I suppose that is good.  My life has been much calmer until recently.  My husband has been clean for close to a month.  Then yesterday I see that two checks that I didn't write had gone thru my bank.  This was more distressing to me than previously because I had hidden my checks. Sooo, I was very sad that he actually went to all the trouble to rummage thru things to find them.  Admittedly they were not hidden very well, just put away in a place he would never have need to look.

So that is still a concern for me.  Its not even really the money that I care about, although we are just barely scraping by.  Its all the sneakiness and the lying and plain deceit.  It all just makes me very sad.  The longer it continues the more I feel like I will fall out of love with him.

My other main concern right now is that hoooorrraaayyy ! He got a job !  but Booooo ! he now has money he can easily access.  So I am not sure how that is going to work out.  He keeps talking about how is going to pay all these people back that he owes money to and get our valueables out of the pawn shop.  I can only hope that is his true intention.  I can see things taking a very bad turn and him getting fired, etc...  We had discussed him giving me his paychecks and then I would just give him bits of spending money, nothing over $50.  That got all blown to hell when his new employer told him they don't give people paper checks anymore.  You either have to have direct deposit or they have a card kind of like a debit/credit card that they will add your payroll monies to.  So I am really scared as to what will happen with that.  Now I have no control over how the money he gets is spent.  Which means he could blow all that money on drugs and leave me to still be handling all the bills on my own.  I almost feel like if he isn't going to contribute to the household, then he shouldn't be in the household.

I don't know where things went wrong this time.  It seemed like we were getting back to a normal life.  I wasn't worried about money necessary to keeping the lights on and a roof over our head being stolen and we were getting along much better too.  I had naively given back a large portion of trust to him only to be blindsided.  I'm sad and am tired of being sad.  I really feel like asking him how much longer we are going to keep going thru all this.  That way I would be able to make an informed decision about getting on with my life or staying and trying to work thru all this.

The Roller Coaster Continues.....