Elanorien's Journal

most of you know how much i've struggled with my husband with taking that first step to go see a doctor. He says he wants a baby, he agrees we should go see a doctor, but he just doesn't want to give a sperm sample. The doctor's office that my insurance covers, (Kaiser--for those of you Californians and Hawaiians) refuses to do any fertility testing on a woman until after her sig.other has provided a sperm sample. So for almost a year now i've been waiting for him to do it. It's been a very sore, sensitive subject in my home and i've gone through all sorts of emotional turmoil dealing with the whole thing... our infertility, his lack of help, my inability to do anything about either one.

Well, with our recent crisis (mold infestation, staying with his mom, trying to find a place to live and finally moving to a new home) we haven't wanted to add any extra stress to our lives and therefore, haven't really been TTC for the last three months. Obviously, a break was exactly what we needed.

First, yesterday i had an epiphany and posted a journal entry all about how i was going to just start taking better care of myself and stop playing the helpless victim. Because my husband's sperm sample is not actually what's holding us back (well, maybe from seeing a doctor but not for continuing to do our best to make a baby) so I basically decided to stop worrying about him and going to see a doctor. I came to the conclusion that i was going to be as pro-active as i could possibly be without seeing doctor. after all, i'm really the only person i can control, right? i can't make my husband do anything, but i can make me do something... anything is better than bumming around feeling sorry for myself and blaming my husband.

So, last night, there i was in bed... all full of determination and optimism... having completely let go of worrying about going to see a doctor and my husband's sperm. When my husband rolls over, puts his arm around me and says, "maybe i can get off work tomorrow and we can go to Kaiser." not wanting to get my hopes up i said, "what for?" "so i can do that test," he says, "let's get it done tomorrow."

Holy Pajama Bottoms, Batman!!! where did that come from?!?!? i wanted to dance on the ceiling! of course, i had to act all cool and non-chalant about it, like it's no big deal... didn't want to scare him off or anything. but, seriously, i've been trying for a year to get him to go... and i have tried before for several months to just not saying anything at all and give him time... but it didn't work that time. but this time... this time i have no idea what convinced him... he came home from work all moody and grumpy... did something happen at work? he was playing with my computer yesterday evening... did he accidently see something that i'd written about him? but you know what, really i don't care what convinced him... he's going to do it!

yey!!!

now i'm totally scared about what happens next!