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It is been a while since I have written in my journal. I miss this. Since I am visiting family in Baltimore I feel I have lost my routine. I need to get back to one. I miss going to church, reading my bible, praying, meditating, going to my AA meetings. I miss hanging out with my girlfriends. I miss going to my favorite coffee shop. I miss my husband most of all. It is hard for us to be seperated like this but what can I do my mom is sick and I need to spend time with her in case she is not around much longer. I want to get pregnant and I am sad that I might have to go to fertility treatments though not bad but I am afraid I will never hold a child of my own. My husband is encouraging but I feel that I am the one to blame for doing abuse to my body by being overweight and such. I wish that I had taken better care of myself.
I am not ungrateful but I feel something missing in my life. I feel so confused and lost. I don't know where to look. My therapist in our last session said that she didn't think I was that sick. I was so outraged by that so I stormed out and haven't been back since. I don't feel that I am well. I feel I can act well but it is just a front but inside I am screaming my head off.
I am glad that my suicide attempt didn't suceed but why am I constantly exposing myself to people who abuse me or missuse me. I can't break the cycle. What gives.
Comments
I know how to put on the acted also. It is time for a new therapist. Sorry you went through that. Those are your feelings. :)
emeila
Good God, immediately get a new therapist.
Emelia is very right on that fact.
You are telling yourself what you need.
You could leave.
Let your family make other arrangements to care for your mother. You have been back there long enough.
Get back to AA.
If you have an AA sponsor, that person would not want you to jeopardize your program success by being in such a negative and toxic situation.
One of the side effects of abuse or attacks, is weight gain.
You are not responsible for the neglect of your body up until now. It was a response to abuse.
Now that you are aware of some issues, one by one, you can start to work at making a better life and a healthier you.
What is past is past...look to the future.
Let go of self blame, that keeps us connected to our abusers.
Remember....only one day....count em...only one day at a time...easy does it...KISS.
Please go home, call your sponsor, get a new therapist...and hug your husband.
You deserve the very best.
GoodGod