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Hey this is Jesse I'm posting for rachel since she won't be on for a month, due to the fact that she has been grounded for not eating breakfast. She asked me to post so that no one would be worried about her, so she'll see you guys in about a month!
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Oh my God.... Goddess help me. I just want to cut. Bleed. Watch the blood trickle down my arm. Feel the pain. I want that release.... My veins are throbbing. I rub at my forearm with the heel of my palm to make it go away.... All that does is reveal my scars. Perfect straight lines on my forearm. A giant thick scar, where I went too deep, too far. FREAK shines a pink color, almost hidden under the rest of my scars. My right calve.... Covered in deep ugly almost lines.... BLEEDING ANGEL can be seen faintly. My left calve has just as many scars.... My thighs and hips scream with angry red words. SOLITUDE, JW, PAIN.... And FAERY.... I had psychosis my freshman year of High School, 14, I was only 14. My ED started that January, cutting started in March. The psychosis started that year.... Oh, God... It was so awful but I have to write about it. I have to get it out.... Have to get it out. Oh...
I can still remember the panpipes.... Calling me, calling me. Rhiannon staring at me like I was crazy. No, no I can't say it, you'll think I'm a freak. No, no.... I have to. Music... loud and pulsating. Alright I can do this. Rhiannon pulls me away from the sound, we go back to her drive-way, it's pouring down rain. Changeling we say, I must be a changeling. That is our new reality. We research it. Glamours, magic, faeries. I sob in the rain, my world appears to be falling apart. It's all a lie. Sidhe court, we realize. Neither Seelie or Unseelie. My parents were dead. Died. Killed. In cold blood. I was kidnapped, accidently got switched with a human child. Raised human. I still remember my name.... Amalthea. Krista was the other girls name. I felt so awful. I stole her life, her family. Heir to the Seelie Court. Halluncinated my coronation. Couldn't wait to go back. What was her name? My Lady-in-Waiting.... Silarial. There. That was it. I heard all of their voices in my head. I saw it, I saw it all. My coronation was amazing... I was nervous, I was scared, my glamour was off. But it went well. I was Queen. Queen like my mother.... Like Liana. It was all good, but caused me so much anxiety, that I started cutting myself. Then Sydney told me. "Rachel... You're human. Think about it, it's true" And my world fell apart again. Crazy, I was crazy. Psychosis, it was called. It's still hard to to remember somedays. I have to remind myself I am human. I'm not crazy, I have a chemical imbalance induced my my depression. No one thinks I'm crazy.... Except for Jeff. Sydney refused to believe it was psychosis. She insisted that I came to the phase where everything was imaginary too late in life. But it had happened before. I don't remember my childhood because it was too full of fantasies. Rhiannon felt so guilty, and I was angry at she and Sydney. They let me believe it for too long. Rhiannon told me she should have known, should have realized, I'd already told her about living in an imaginary world for most of my life. I forgave them both though.... I forgave them.
Release, release, my secret out.....
UPDATED GOALS
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I'm here, come find me if you want to talk, here for you xx
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Sweetheart, just take it a day, or, if necessary, a minute, at a time. I am here anytime you want to talk to me.
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Please don't cut hun, I know how u feel if u need too talk i'm here, u and i and others have to many scars,I can feel your pain,Don't give up,Squeeze some ice, talk to us.Dance do something but don't hurt u. love u
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I'm here for you. Find another release please cutting is not worth it. Love you
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Sometimes the pain is so bad that i have thought about cutting... but i never have.... please don't bbe... it may seem to help at the time... but the emotional scars will last forever... n you deserve more than that!! :) ly x x x
I'm just sad today. I have no idea why. I just am. I just want to curl up into a ball in bed and cry.
I hung out with Jesse, and that was fun. Met her boyfriend, threatened to carve his heart out with a spoon if he hurt her...
I figured out what class ring I wanted. It's pretty cool.
I feel so empty. Sad. Guilty. Frustrated.
I'm just.... sad.
UPDATED GOALS
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I almost started crying at the post office; I got a letter from a horse rescue, and there was this terrible photo of a horse that they did not get to in time; heartbreaking!
But, hon, there is nothing for you to be guilty about. I understand sad; the shorter days always get to me. But sometimes, a good cry clears out the sad feelings, and you will feel better afterwards.
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some days are just like that. you just don't know why you're sad, empty. for me when i have days like that i usually kick back and not do much. write in my journal, turn on music and curl up in a ball, and start again the next day. feel better soon.
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Aw Rach, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough day! Maybe you could up and watch a movie or read, or maybe even one of your friends/parents will let you just curl up and cry without putting pressure on you to talk. Try to do whatever sounds comforting to you- there is no reason to feel bad about it.. it's ok to feel like this.
I'm sending you big warm hugs and I'm here in case you feel like talking.
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Dont be sad... *hugs*
awe man that sucks to be grounded. a month not to bad tell her to hang in
radykiel
awww:( we'll miss you Rachel!
Sara017
aw no! going to miss you hun. not that you will see this, but in case Jesse sees this... tell Rachel to sneak on at the library if she can!
LaughMeLovely
grounded fr not eating? that sucks. Thats just stupid to be grounded for that.
vetgirl29
Like that is going to help! Tell her hi from me.
LynneC
Im guna miss ya!! Please come back soon!!
DancerJ
Thanks i was getting worried about her.I miss u ,I can't wait to hear from u
emmalyn
I will miss u!
ajv357