sunhaven's Journal

I've been feeling so blue lately.  Yesterday my son was crying all morning and I just cried along with him until he finally fell asleep on my chest. My husband told me later that night that he wished I loved him the way he loves me. So, I felt sad and guilty. I shouldn't take all my frustrations out on him. I just can't trust myself right now; I'm always up and down.

Sometimes I get so scared looking at my child. My husband says he is a perfectly healthy, normal little boy. But I'm always worried that something is wrong with him. He is almost nine months but doesn't "talk" to me. I get so scared. Otherwise he is socially interactive, seems to need me a lot, enjoys going places. When I get mad or upset, he feels it so acutely. I wish I had more experience with babies --- that way I would have a better reference point as to what children are supposed to be like.

Right now maintenance men are working on our apartment. I thought I would hate the intrusion but I think it's actually been better for me to have this anonymous "company." Keeps me away from my own sad thoughts. I've been meaning to make an appointment to talk with a counselor about my depression and my c/s, but I keep putting it off. The good news is, I'm not c/s nearly as much. But all I eat all day is licorice, Coke, and coffee. I tell myself, at least I'm eating and it's not c/s. I feel like if I eat a meal I will just lie down in bed and not want to get up.