strawberrydawn's Journal

Well, still trying to get over my last gambling relapse. It isnt easy as I have to hear what a great time my sister and k are having. They decided to extend their trip for a few days which sucks...for me. Oh well. I just try not to think about it. I made my choice; they made theirs. Heading home today which also sucks. Still havent talked to my mom since I told her I was pregnant. I know, I'm not a kid but things are just so f'd up between us lately. I havent made a move to talk to her as I feel like I always make the first move and I'm tired of sucking up to her. So I will just go back and start looking for a place. I also start classes in a week, scared but like everything else...just trying not to worry and taking each day as it comes. Who knows, it may  not be as bad as I fear. I have been in school before after all, its not like I havent proved to myself that I can do it. I just need to adjust myself to being an adult student...a pregnant adult student. Sigh. But having my own place will make it sooo much easier. And maybe then my mom will feel better having her own space again. I dont know when we will start talking again...we can both be so stubborn that its possible I can go my whole pregancy without talking to her...I do try and ask myself if its worth it and if I should just make the first move. I suppose I could just ask if she wants to talk and leave it at that. But if it turns to arguing or lecturing I'm not going to listen to it. I cant handle negative ppl right now. I'm trying too damn hard to stay positive. It takes so much effort, I get tired of  having to self talk all the time but I just dont want to be as miserable as I was. My sis and K havent texted or called me once, they prolly decided it would be easier for me, either that or they are mad which I dont really know why they would be. One text would have been nice just saying hi. But just going to focus on finding a home and getting used to classes again. My belly is rounder now, starting to have the pregnant look. Still trying to adjust to this too, I dont think it has sunk in 100 percent. Maybe once I get bigger. Have told most everyone by now. Most are happy. Its just my mom and my younger sis that I dont want to think about....or focus on I guess as I cant really forget what they said. I cant change how they feel about it. I dont really want to. I have enuf to deal with. And besides, everyone else is trying to stay positive about it like I am. All I can do is my best. One day or one minute at a time. Worrying really doesnt help me. It had lessened lately. My day is helping me out with damage which is great. Already getting household items from a few ppl. Its been almost three years since I had my own place or tried to ....be a part of the real world. I did work for a bit last year but ended up quiting. Besides that its been all misery and darkness. Time to attempt walking towards the light again, no matter how strange or uncomfortable. My baby is counting on me. I have to at least try.