Teresa203's Journal

I don't even really know how i feel anymore, i'm so scrambled these days, my mood changes within seconds. My wonderuful boyfriend bought me a Guinea pig yesterday, I was so happy, i need something like that to keep me entertained when i'm alone. We named him Harley, it reminds me of my dad and his big boy toys. haha, anyways.

I'm dreading fathers day, it's going to suck big time. I'm still going to try and do stuff for my daddy, I miss him SO much..He basically is our house. EVERYwhere I look, it's him. Something he's built, something that's his, something he gave to me.

I don't understand why god does this to people, it makes it very hard to depend on him, let alone believe in him...

I don't know what to belive anymore.

Mothers day was Sunday, I tried really hard to do alot of stuff for my mom, I have been having constant dreams of my dad lately, as nice as it is to see him, it just hurs even more and more when I wake up. EVERY night it's something. Sometimes they are really weird dreams like he's a cowboy and stuff like that, BUt I uselly dream about stuff that has really already happened, like getting in trouble, or shooting the bow an arrow. Last night I had a dream about us riding the quads around the front lawn and making fun of my mom because it looked like she was mowing the lawn.

Last night was really hard for me, people talk about my dad at the worst times, like when i'm arleady down. I logged into his memorial page for the first time in a very long time, and I just can't handle it. I really just wish i could dissappear sometimes, or that he could somehow just come back, I miss my Daddy and him always picking on me. I don't really have a reason to laugh anymore...

I used to be so happy, now i'm just mean, and grumpy all the time.

MY boyfriend is keeping my sane, as well as my family, I thank god for letting them stay here with me..

Today was akwardly hard for me, i'm not even sure why but there is the man I work with who is slightly old, maybe sixties i'm not sure, but he's deaf and it's really hard for him to tell people what he's talking about and everyone just gives him so much crap. We get survery'd by random costumers on how we do, they gave him an F for not talking to them, asking how they were, ETC.

HE CAN'T TALK!!!! So then I go on my break and i'm just so upset about that and how bad he feels, he talks to me because he knows I understand (We write on a notepad back and forth, or he sign laungauges the letters to me) But anyways, i'm up in the break room and the radio is always on this really sad station always talking about sad things and playing sad songs when a girl that's seventeen was telling the story of how she lost her dad due to cancer, and his name was Jerry, my dads name. I just started bawling my eyes out, sometimes people come through the store that looks like my dad or talks like him or even smells like him and it kills me, work is harder then it is at home and I thought a job would be better, money is good though.

I miss you dad.