StarrySummerSkies's Journal

Let me just keep jouranizing and see what else is gonna spill. I am still very upset about all those other people with the situation I somehow perceive better than mine(call is jealousy of seeing someone relatively healthy.) Someone younger with all the opportunities ahead of them, free from the responsibilities. They are usually single, those younger, healthy people. Looking back at myself at 19-21, that was when my health ended. I mean I always had a disease hidden in my DNA, but it did not show its devastating effects until I was 22. And from there on it just keeps getting worse. I should have tried to pursue finding a husband more aggressive. I wish I listened to myself and had broken off with J. He took 5 years out of my life for a very confused, depressive existence. If anything, he helped me learn to be more financially autonomous(not willingly of course) and he taught me not to settle for anything less what I want. Well, I guess something did come out of what I thought of a pointless relationship. For a long time I kept missing him and thinking about him. How hard it was to leave the state and leave everything we had behind. But there could be no other way. A leap into unknown. It would be one of the most courageous steps I have ever taken in my life. I was not sure if I was ever gonna find the right man. Yet, I took a leap of faith that somehow it would be okay. It proved right. It was okay. But oh my god, not okay in some ways. I just wish I could have my health back! I wish I was 18 again and starting over. Now my priority is my daughter and not me. OR should I say it's about 50/50? I HOPE I still have a change, I am not THAT old. Although my body is trying to say otherwise.

I am very scared. I don't know how can I continue to live with a humangous bills that I have. I am tied to the house where we live now, but so far I cannot save enough to separate from my mother in terms of being able to get away. I dont think of my wants and needs to get away as something pathological. I think its part of my personality and I have to learn to accept that.