lossOfFiance's Journal

Yesterday was my first holiday since Keiths death. My mood struck me physically and emotionally. I had plans to attend a friends bbq. I woke up feeling ill, so I went back to sleep until noon. I literally didnt have the energy or urge to get off the couch or even leave the house. So I didnt. My dad ended up coming to my house and took me out to eat around 6pm, but I just didnt feel like I was even there. Like I was somewhere else. I cried allot in the afternoon. This kind of weekend, Keith would have fired up our grill and we would have hit the grocery store together buying something extravagant that he would want to throw on the grill. He loved that grill. He would cook on it all year if we could. I missed that. I really missed his presence this weekend. Not only was it the 2 month anniversary of his passing, but it was a Holiday weekend that I always enjoyed getting one extra day of spending time with him and cuddling on the couch. But there I was alone in the house, on the couch, not even wanting to be in the presence of others. The coping goes back and forth. Some days I welcome spending time with friends/family. Some days I wonder if everyone forgot about me and what I am actually still going through day to day. It hasn't gotten easier, it's been harder each day for the past few weeks.  Then there are other days, like yesterday, I just dont want anything to do with anyone or anything. My sister in law asked if I was depressed cause I just havent had the motivation to do anything. Not even training for my marathon. I dont know what depression feels like, I've never dealt with it. I've never been an unhappy person.

So is it grief or depression, I dunno, either way, it physically hurts and things feel worse.