peedoffpuppy's Journal

What can I say, Im 33yrs old and have two children.  I lie in bed all night trying to get to sleep and then struggle to get out in the morning.  Whats all that about??  So how did I get here?  I did think it was 5 years ago, my boyfriend of 10yrs had a motorbike accident and died instantly, I never saw him again, and was left with a girl aged 3 and a boy aged 1yrs.  You'd think, yeah that would do it, she's depressed.  But if I truly think about my life so far, its not as rosey as I remember before Brent died.  My hair started falling out every late winter near Xmas, not all of it just little 50p patches around the back.  They did grow back through summer and just as the patches would close, winter was here again and the hair would fall out.  I did go to my doctor about 8 years ago and she gave me some happy pills, only they didn't make me happy.  So do I have SAD or just depressed?  I have a good life, two healthy children, a nice house, doing really well in higher education, have a goal which is becoming a real chance in life.  So why do I feel so bloody down, and when I am down I feel so guilty, people have much worse lives than me and they seem to cope.  I don't know where to turn, my family think I'm a trooper! my friends think Im doing fine, and my children think I'm mum who shouts a bit.  I dont mean to but sometimes it's the smallest things that make me bite, then the guilt comes back and there you are, running in that tight circle round and round, never knowing how to get off.  I need a stranger to talk to.