melanie25's Journal

Ladies!  It has been almost one full year since I have been on a REAL date!  Two years if you discount the lousy dates where I ended up with indigestion with my ex bf. 

I don't know what my deal is...I wrote all the good things about myself.  I read them to my therapist upon his request, and I started crying on the first item, because I realized that my ex-boyfriend never really knew or appreciated those things about me.  It is feeling good to get to know ME again.  I can take some of the bad things he said and still learn from them, but I know that I could never be with a man who beats me over the head with my flaws!  That is what he did.  So I know all this stuff.  Things are getting better.  I kind of do want to talk to him, but I know that I have to be strong and leave it behind me.

I have had so many options for dates that have just fallen through in one way or another!  It is so weird...First there was the pizza guy, then the baseball guy, the running guy, the musician, the teacher, and the Online guy.  Now, I am very selective about who I write to online!  There was just one guy that really piqued my interest, and he wrote to me first.  I generally do not write to anyone!  What I'm finding is strange.  I try to act cool about it all...they SAY that you find someone when you aren't looking, or when you are happy by yourself.  Those sayings make me mad, because first of all, I have spent plenty of years alone, and I am darn near ready to meet the right guy.  Also, of COURSE I won't stop looking!  I'm gonna be looking until I am settled down!  So, I try not to panic about the thought about being alone for the rest of my life, but sometimes it just sets in....I feel sooooo lonely at home in my apartment at night.  I don't go out to bars, and it seems that is where to meet people who will ask you out!

Pizza guy - gave me his cell number, but I never called.

Baseball guy - manager of my softball team.  Asked me to do some things, then when I asked HIM to go biking and texted him about needing a different team shirt, he just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.  Although in the last game he told me I did a good job catching that pop fly to left field.  He is a nerd in a cute way, and if I scared HIM off, then my gosh!  What the heck am I doing wrong???

Running guy - Just met him a couple of weeks ago with a church running group.  He is super cute, prays before we run, and we run at the same pace so we have been talking during the run.  He has the best smile I have ever seen in my entire life.  He shaves his legs because he is a triathlete, but I guess I could get used to that!  At least we have something in common!

 I just have a feeling that I should not get my hopes up.

Musician - He is in CA.  Coming home in July.  Asked me to come over and sing some with him, because I love singing with him.  We play music at church.  I have a slight crush on him.

Online guy - He has been writing me approximately every three days for the past couple of weeks.  He seems interested, but I'll tell ya ladies, if he does not get his buti in gear...I am not just going to write him all summer!  He needs to freaking ask me out!

Teacher guy - short, plump teacher who lives a couple of hours away.  Friends with my friends, and keeps trying to ask me out.  Okay, so I finally conceded because he is a  lot of fun.  I just don't think I will be attracted to him.

So all these options, yet here I am sitting alone on my butt in my apartment, as usual.  I am just so tired of being disappointed.  I am tired of getting my hopes up.  I am sick of putting my heart on my sleeve, being myself, and getting rejected.  I feel like I will be alone forever!

I feel like a happy, great girl who has a lot to offer, but I have been kind of depressed and lonely lately!  No one to do things with!!!  I've tried to get involved in groups and stuff, but it just seems to make me feel more lonely when I come home at night.