barefootsoul's Journal

ABOUT ME GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - PUTTING IT ON THE LINE ALL ABOUT ME IN A NUTSHELL. I WILL MAKE MY OTHER JOURNALS MORE UPLIFTING AND SHORT I PROMISE

I used to write in Myspace alot until my own children stopped writing to me even though they visit there. They don 't do it on purpose they are just to busy working ect but it just got to be too much seeing them there, I miss them. Family is the most important thing to me and no matter what I do I am fought at both angles. My two sons live near me, one of them is loving and sees me when he can the other is addicted to substances and hides. My eldest daughter lives at Disney and is an alcoholic, cutter and more but won't get help, she tries to fight it on her own. My youngest moved away from me several years ago to give her father time to be with her. She never returned and is now living on her own and when I mention to her moving back she gets defensive and tells me she cant help me I have to help myself. I try not to talk about my problems too much to my family they cant handle it or emphasize with it.

My marriage is very frail, unloving in all ways and though I love him, I know I will either muster the strength to leave him or he will die of cancer I fear the latter. We spent the past two years battling a rare form of cancer with him he has been in remission for a year. Even through that the arguing continued. I found out through two therapists that he is bipolar and passive aggressive though still the most loving man I've met. He just doesn't understand that when you hurt someone you have to stop hurting them in order for forgiveness to begin. 

I lost my mom last month, she was my only friend, my mentor, my therapist she had a masters degree in social work and served on the disability determination board. I had just talked her into becoming a life coach and she was getting her insurance company to pay for a special voice computer, they arrived the day she passed away. We lost her brother very quickly at Christmas time just like my mother we still don't know what took her only that within twelve hours she was gone. My mother was the strongest woman I know. Living life as a qaud for 35 years and over coming every health battle you can imagine. I am still in shock, still blame myself and I cant find her or God. I also helped my grandmother pass two year ago this was not easy for me as she fought it all the way. Dealing with chronic pain day in and day out, abusive relationships in my past, inability to work most of my life, empty nest syndrome, post trauma from sexual abuse and now from finding my mother, depression, fibro and a host of other things I've nearly come to my end in wanting to be here period. I've thought of ways to end my suffering but I am too afraid to cause any more suffering what a dilemma lmao..

I am more lonely than those words describe. I feel unloved, unappreciated, empty, worthless and angry. Today for the first time since my younger years anger rose and I screamed in my house, stomped and threw a fit like a child. My pets ran for cover and I panicked. Doing even simple things like dishes, a shower, the bills are all too much for me. Im angry at myself the most and the more angry I get the worse I get yet if I don't let it out a numb comes over me that lasts forever and I fear going into panic attacks.

I used to write alot at allpoetry.com/barefootsoul and I still am there though since moms passing no words come. I'd love if some of you read my things. I sit alone day in day out in this trailer doing nothing, sometimes standing in the middle of the room staring at the walls while grabbing my hair and wondering why I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm not allowed to go anywhere because we cannot afford the gas and since I lost my income, my employer was my mother she knew I could not work so her insurance company paid me to take care of her, well since losing that I dont have the gas money to do a thing. We are on the verge every month of losing our utilties our internet and our phone and my husband is on me to get a job. He knows how much pain I live with but instead of helping he avoids me. I often times want to leave him and have tried several times but my mother always told me to stay that he was the best thing in my life right now. My mind races faster than my body will ever obey. I think and feel too much and this key board is my only friend next to the kitten I have that follows me around the house and refuses to ever leave me alone praise god for Issaboo if there is a God. One part of knows there is the part that has had visions, channeling and near death experiences and the other part says, mom never contacted me and if anyone could she could so there is nothing after here. 

Im sick of these pills and their cost. I'm fed up with family and friends that try to sell me on their theory that positive thinking or a book will fix me or fix my life.  They were not where I was 30 years ago when my father ripped apart forever my identity and they aren't where I am now grieving ten times over. If it was going to wokr it would have because I've done, read it, sipped it, prayed it, bought it, begged for it and the list goes on. Those well meaning people are my brothers, the ones that live in 600,000 dollar homes with a happy family and wives that work because they want to not because they have too. One of my brothers has not seen my mother in twelve years and rarely ever called. His wife kept him from that literally, she has never worked, she wears a ten thousand dollar diamond, he runs his own business, home schools the kids, cooks, cleans, runs to her when she has panic attacks and other than this she is healthy. Sorry for the bitterness but some people dont know how easy they have it. I've had to scratch and claw my way through raising four kids alone, with fibro and seizures and brain lesions and no job, no child support and a father in prison. Two of my kids came out pretty healthy. Theres not much left of me but here I am, still waiting for some saint to come along and tell me that I am worth it, that I can do it, and not just tell me but walk along beside me, encourage me, show me I can and then do it with me and vice versa. Silly ideas huh? We can only heal ourselves yes, but it only goes so far. God created us to need others for a reason.

I'm angry at my brothers for coming into my mothers life to take over her property when they didn't spend hardly any of their life with her maybe 5 years tops, that was their choice. My brother had the gall to ask me tonight if it would be okay if maybe our father took over my mothers home. The man that abused me, left her for dead in a hospital when he found out she was paralyzed and cheated on her the entire marriage hundreds of times....lol. I still have a relationship with him but cmon on!

I AM EMBARRASED FOR BEING HERE, GUILTY AND WORRIED LIKE A CHILD THAT NO ONE WILL LIKE ME FOR BEING HONEST AND JUST BEING MWAH. I MUST GO THANK THE WOMAN THAT GAVE ME THIS LINK FROM ALLPOETRY.COM WHAT AN ANGEL I HAD NO IDEA A PLACE LIKE THIS EXISTED.

Beyond all this I tend to be very good at helping others, I have all the therapist skills my mother pounded into me. I had a rich spiritual life and since my grandmothers death that has dissapated, that hurts almost as much as my mother passing.  I'm just a 45 yr old woman full of fear, afraid of being loved and afraid that if I don't soon I wont find any reason to continue on this earth. I am touch deprived, my marriage is sexless and has been from the beginning, we are both good people we just are not meant to be lovers, soul mates or even friends at times though we love each other. He loves me more though the abuse will speak for that reason, he doesnt see it. My name is barefootsoul for a reason....I bare it all and I am willing to hear it all. I'm not shy in word expression on paper or computer, guilt and shame are two different things.  I type fast and I'm prolific but so far it hasn't gotten me a job! I'm an empath ( highly intuitive, picking up on peoples energy, intentions and feelings sometimes before they do, this has happened to me with dead people as well though rarely ) and though my losses and pains are intense I still have some of it left in me. More later.............I have probably shocked enough people already...OOOO one more thing...I LOVE TO LAUGH, LAUGH LAUGH.....JOKE, KID, ACT LIKE A KID. I love nature, animals and anything spiritual. I was raised catholic, moved into pentecostal ways and am in limbo right now. The wind blows me all over I need good sturdy pole to be tied too and strong wind to hold me up any strong wind will do really....LMAO.......