2naive4good's Journal

Well, today marks one week from the day I found out about the affair. Incidentally, this was the longest week of my life. I had no idea someone I loved (still love) could cause me so much pain. It is almost unbearable. I wake up every morning hoping I just had a really bad nightmare and then the reality of my f***** up life sets in. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I am trying my ass off to keep things normal and routine for my 2 kids, but most of the time I just want to crawl under my covers in bed and hibernate until the pain subsides. I want to make my marriage work. Not because I am afraid to be alone, but because I love my H and my family is so important to me. I meant what I said when I took my wedding vows and I thought he did too.
He is being so cold and distant toward me. I spent last Saturday night at my parents with the kids, Thursday, too, and this weekend I am at a friends house while he stays home with the kids. I just felt like i needed to get away. He has not shown any interest in checking on me to see if I am okay. When I call to talk to the kids, it's like he and I don't even know each other and when we are face-to-face he avoids me like the plague. He says his feelings have changed, but I just don't understand how this could have happened. I know I am not perfect but before I found out I was pregnant, all seemed well between us. Then he told me his feelings had changed and he didn't know if he loved me anymore. Then I found out about the affair. Now he treats me like a stranger. He shows no remorse for what he did and he has not taken any steps to try to make amends with me. He simply says he is sorry for what he has done. I don't know what I want from him. I guess I just want him to show me that he still cares for me. He is so stubborn, he will not even do that. I know I am rambling, but mind just cannot stop working. I knoe that I have to be strong for the kids but I don't think I can make it through another day.
A friend said that he may be lost and he just needs to find his way back to me, but I am afraid that with each passing day he is getting farther and farther away from me. I am so insecure about myself and I just hate feeling like this.
He keeeps saying that he wants to try to save our marriage because of the kids. I agree that this is very important, but not once has he said that he wants to try to save this marriage because he loves me, or because our relationship was good before, or anything else like that. Then I realize that the only glue that is holding us together is the kids and that makes me feel so sad. What about him and me? Doesn't he have anything left for me? For us? If we didn't have kids would he already be gone?
I am normally a somewhat optimistic person. Every day I try to look for something positive in all of this. But each day just feels worse than the last. I feel hopeless and lost. And I can't imagine a day ever again when I won't be sad. The hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper and I don't think I will ever be able to claw my way out. And he isn't even considering throwing me a rope. How did it come to this.