2naive4good's Journal

Having a really bad day today.  It started out awful with my two year old son really acting out as soon as he got up.  He was in time out three times within the first hour after waking up.  Finally i sat with him and said i could see he was having a really bad day today and asked him why.  It was then that he told me that he missed daddy.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I've been a basket case ever since. Since my H has been staying with a friend this week, he only calls each night to say goodnight to the kids.  I try to make conversation with him, but he is still somewhat resistant.  tonight i kind of picked a fight with him.  I promised myself I wouldn't do this anymore, but it's like I have no control over myself.  I just want him to feel how I feel.  To be as broken hearted as I am.  It breaks my heart because he is planning on getting his own place and I can't believe he is willing to walk away from all of this.  I am struggling sooo hard to keep it together, but everyday seems to be getting harder and harder to get through.  The only thing that is keeping me on this planet right now is my two kids.  I have never felt so hopeless in all of my life.  I want to fix this in the worst way, but because this is about him, I have no control over this situation at all.  I have lost 5 pounds.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.   I have nausea constantly.  I'm trying to think about this baby, but because I know I am in this alone, I am almost dreading the arrival.  I fear I am not strong enough to get through this.  I fear I am not strong enough to get through another day.  I am so tired...  and so sad. 

I am having difficulty dealing with my anger today.  I hate hate hate hate hate him!!!!! He destroyed my entire life.  And that of my children.  He is an asshole piece of shit who only cares about himself.  He took me for granted and threw it all away for some skank he f***** in a CAR.  I DON'T KNOW HOW i WILL EVER EVER GET PAST THIS.  It would be easier for me to accept if he were dead!!!  I can't believe he has done this to me.