HumbleRoots's Journal

I was sober for 14 days, then left to go out of town to help a friend, following her Father's passing.  I had two glasses of wine one night at dinner, and then 4 or 6 another night at dinner with a friend's neighbor....but still feel ashamed for in the past 8 days.  I didn't black out, but was still mixing with my three antidepressant meds I am taking....which is not good.

So, today is my first day back at home.  It was the first time I had ever left my husband for a week, for personal reasons, and not business related.  I had told him I was going to go to AA, and he said I didn't need it, that I could just do it on my own.

I am trying to breathe, and can't.  So, today, trying to take care of a few of the "basic, must do's"...post office for an important overnight package, and plumber for my MotherinLaw's leaking toilet.

I want to thank God for my health, my ability to see, walk, talk, hear, feel, eat; for my home, my shelter, that my days are not numbered as the result of the hopeless diagnosis of cancer.

I do not want to get divorced. 

I want to stop fighting with my husband, as he feels I am putting him down when I ask when he "may" be able to bring home a check.

I will work on and want the feeling of joy and hopefulness to return to our marriage and relationship, and to believe our marriage will make it beyond our 25th anniversary this summer.

I need to find ways to show him I care, and understand he is also under a great deal of stress (now knowing that I was the major bread winner...and now it's all on him...and it's $ not there), as he is unable to pay his 3 employees.....must be unimaginably humilating for him in front of his clients and friends, and family.

I need to show compassion for my husband for the embarassment he is feeling, for our having lost the business. 

I want to stay positive for my husband, and his business.

I (may?) need to go back to work full time in the big corp world, (after being unemployed now for what will be two years in June....following the loss of my double six figure income mid 2006).  (ya think???)

I do not want to lose our house.

I will re-establish our credit.

I want to enjoy my yard, the sunshine, plant flowers, walk my two puppies , my joy.

I want to find the way to recover from our financial obligations, without feeling spiteful that I must do this in order to survive.  (which will mean for me going back to the big job, travel, corp deadlines, personalities, daily "mind tests", etc.)

I need to be thankful for the strength God has given me and the knowledge to take each situation and resolve it, one item at a time, one bill at a time, one payment at a time. 

I am paralyzed to fix all of these things, and know that the only way is likely to go back to work....(how will I work out the bitterness and the loss of respect I know my husband feels?) 

I feel I wish there was a person who could come along and tell me what to do - or the smartest things to do...." given the financial spiraling situation we have gotten ourselves into.

And, will going to AA tonight help me?  I worry that I will "slip slide away" mentally...and worry that my mind and body won't care....and everything will be lost.

Ok, journal, it helped to get the thoughts out.  One moment at a time.  I've worked for over 35 years, and lost everything we ever had/built, invested in, etc.  No market, no equity, no credit.  How does one recover? 

A CPA recently told me to ask everyone I knew for help, people who may not be hurt if $5K or $10K was ever paid back or not...and even given our generosity over the years to others, I know my family would never help, and my husband would be too embarassed to ask our friends - who have already all seen our business fail, and are all likely all on "alert".  Gee, it's amazing.....what congratulations, happiness and support there would have been....if the business had succeeded!!!

How can we/I turn everything around, pare down, and stop the dominos from falling?

If I leave him now, that will just add another item to the pile...and then what?  I am still in my robe, and it is 12:40.  Paralysis or take the pups for a walk?  I'll choose the pups, go to the post office and call the plumber.

So, I fell off my wagon after two weeks, but am climbing back on.

I just want to take care of and settle everything, be able to keep our home, and have our marriage and love, happiness and relationship back.

I can not do it all, save it all, all by myself.   And, as hard as he is trying, why do I feel I am doing it all by myself?  Because I have been the only one handling all of the creditors, calls, bills, and know I will be the one to have to go back to work to support us and get out of the hole we are in.