eggs's Journal

How does anyone start something so private. I have along way to go and alot to learn. I'm trying to stop the landslide and feel calm when I'm really screaming tears of fog and insane laughter.

I've decided to move past getting anything back. I'm no longer going to wake up and wonder if there will be any reasonable glimps of functionality. "bloom where you are planted" I've always hated that saying since I read it on a bumper sticker 35 years ago. It almost became a blasting cap of "there has to be more on the other side of the fence" somewhere hidden in the unseen gully of the visually level field, the hidden emerald city just over the horizon, or the magic entrance to fulfillment behind one of those distant trees.You read the same books and saw the american dream movies that I fully applied to my past life. We all did to some level. I could feel my mouth draw when I heard it come out of my doctors lips.

 I have ignored, denied, raged and probably creatively made up several of my own grief stages while trying to undestand the self lost to an invisable ending force.  I've stopped asking how I got to this point. It's now chillingly easy to say no out loud to; "you have to push yourself""you've got to keep trying" after all "move it or loose it" "just do it""your just lazy". What I can't understand is why they haven't realized the person they're talking to doesn't exist any more. I don't waste precious energy with shiney smiles of recognition when caring people say such things. I know it makes THEM feel better.  My pockets are empty, there's no more to give.

 It's a scary new thing to find out that you must become a different person to survive. I still have hope in my unknown future, but I'm not going to lift any rocks looking for any understanding. It's a new game with few players and no one has written the rule book yet.

Waiting for the movie is too far away.... So here I am.  Thanks for reading!