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new page.......... its so hard to turn it knowing how much will change. Fearing that it will all be negative. Wondering if this is going to be the one that breaks you. Im so close now.. so many days of not wanting to try, not wanting to look and find out. too tender...too much. I just want to hide. cant move.. wanting to melt into the mattress. wishing the breathing would just stop so that all the pain would stop. if only i could float away... find away to relaxe.. brain is no longer searching , not looking for any more of anything. knowing theres not even enough energy to close the book. knowing you shouldn't. trying to remember why not. stillness..... nothing. Ring.... ring.... ring.... i'm not really here anymore......................................
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In just a few minutes they will disconnect my pc and get it ready to move. it might be a ittle while before it gets back up again and i wanted to say a few things to you all. I have sssssssoooooooooooo made a connection with everyone here and am heartsick over my lack of attention to you in the last couple of days. so please hug each other in my absence and know that I'll be bugging my hubby to get me hooked back up to my new life line. My world was so isolated before. no one i know around me fully understands like the people I have met here. I have been able to express my feeling freely and felt great release from knowing there are others listening and caring. I haven't had that in a long time and will miss it very much. even if only for a few days. i am living up to my promise and throwing all kinds of things out the window and into the trash. so many unfinished projects so much guilt so much grief knowing i will never (if i ever was ) be the person to do those kinds of things. time will tell. must learn to relax with out becoming lazy. stay calm without being overdosed on drugs and stay connected to the human race without being a whiner and complainer. seems everything i choose to atempt turns into a big production. mountains out of mole hills etc. going from one extreem to another. untill fibromyalgia made the choice for me. my world has to be redesigned. surfaces need to be sluffed so that something uniquely me can begin all over again.out with the old... in with the older.......... lol ..............but wiser.........
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will be here waiting on you when you get hooked up at your new home , hope you have a smooth transition in your move . miss you ami
I'm moving this week. What a joke.. I've told everyone that I'm simply throwing it out the window. That's not a joke!!!! My husband and I can bearly do our own laundry. Nothing seems important enough to add this kind of ppain. Nothing is precious enough to expend more precious energy. there has only been one person who has offered to help. of course it's someone who is in deep pain herself. I wont let her come. IF I cant take care of my own stuff then I don't want it. Ive moved so many times in my life. things just keep changeing but theres always things. im unable to enjoy them, much less take care of them......if im not allowed to throw myself away then maybe this will be the next best thing. i am a living only a shell of an existance. no reason to decorate it. my depression keeps my focus inward anyway. maybe this is one way to make the world slowly disappear if i put physical things in the trash.......then a nothing will have nothing...sounds about right.
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AW darling, I know that feeling, I too have moved so much and the things...the stupid f'ing things remain...and I see that I don't take care of any of my stuff...all my CDS are scratched etc..I don't take care of me...HUGS
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you are NOT a nothing ! you are my very dear friend , never forget that . moving does suck though i agree with you there , i miss you too , we will talk soon . big hugs to you !!
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i know it is hard , but i am so glad you are here . you have so much to offer , you are a wonderful friend and i am glad you are mine. hugs
ami