LostinAllthis's Journal

Well way to go girl..... made a commitment to self and broke it.  No beatup!  Today is a new day.  

Working on Self....... stuck in the YUK and MUK for days..... love to feel sorry for myself and my past.

Today, GREAT DAY!

GETTING MY LIFE BACK..... BABY STEPS .... BABY STEPS...... BABY STEPS.

I tend to revert back to listening to the control and manipulation.... feeling like I am worthless and undeserving of anything good in my life.  Today I get to take action on my goals to live a JOYFUL DESERVING WORTHY LiFE.

Today,  I got a job!  YEA!   Tuesday I start as a hairstylist at a new salon.  WHOOPIE!  I am so excited..... asking for what I wanted was the important discovery.  I wanted hours that would work well with my children.  She was so Okay with it....... old me wouldn't have asked because of fear always being told no in the past and how dare I ask for something for me..... how dare you!

Also,  GOT a LAWYer!  Divorce here I come ( two years later)  the controller thinks I am not enough, smart enough, important enough, able or willing to  figure it out on my own..... YUP! but I did!

Also,  He tried to throw a few punches, ( so to speak) at me through my kid today!   I told her he was not worth a REACTION!  ( been reacting to all the things he can throw at me to get a reaction)   MY life is my life, he doesn't get to throw a wrench in it unless I ALLOW it.  I CHOOSE NOT to ALLOW it!  That sometimes can be very challenging.  I am used to getting swallowed up in his manipulation and control and BOW DOWN to the THREATS!   I am working on it though!

Starting to find all kinds of answers to questions about divorce and finding our STUFF.  Yeah, don't even know if my name was on our house..... never let me see paperwork...  Assets??? What Assets?  Finding them now though...... good ole' public records.  People have been real pleasant and able to help....... As long as I , "ASK FOR WHAT I WANT" and not be in fear of a possible no, or not being able to help.  ITs all OKAY~!

All have a great nite!

So this morning my mother called the (ex) to discuss the whole issue of throwing it in my face consistantly that he owns the house I live in and can be there with his kids all he wants.  He messed up big time with the bias mediator my mother has been for the both of us. Mom gave him an earful on his control issues. 

She asks him if my checks are ready and she would like to come over and pick them up.  A couple weeks ago I went to his house ( control- only way he will give them to me) and continued about a 50 min. abusing conversation on how I was a piece of shit as a mother. ( Awesome mom- no addictions, tons of parenting courses, teach parenting courses now) and proceeded to try and get all the information he could  about my personal life with threats and manipulative techniques. Example; bet you didn't get a job yet, nobody would hire a liar and theif like you. 

So , he wouldn't give my mom the checks, just told her I could come pick them up or MAYBE he might mail them. 

Nothing to drink for my kids, they are drinking water. 

Had to borrow milk from my mother to make their favorite hamburger helper.

So he gets to win,  I drive over, HA HA, With my mother next to me.  (He won't abuse me with her in the car)  Doesn't show that kind of controling manipulative behavior in front of her or anyone else for that matter.  Scary to be in his presence when no one is around. 

Try not to ever be alone in the same space when no one is around.

Controling with MONEY again!  Only person that gets hurt is THE CHILDREN!

I get to go to Child Support Enforcement Office tomorrow and Complete my goal of a major list of goals to have a healthy functional life.