Rae06's Journal

since the old plan has done absolutely nothing, and I keep on binge eating and sleeping and not making it to the gym... im starting a daily log. A food and activity log. I've done the food log b4 and it does help. so here goes todays

3/25

1130 gronola

 1130-2pm work

215 gronola 

 230 tanning

3pm large chicken greek salad, 

       4 pieces pita bread

        some bites of lefover KFC mashed pot.

 3-7ish painfully full--sleeping

 7ish dad wakes me up for dinner--pot roast

  eat in bed go bak to sleep

10 30 wake up.. wander to kitchen.. dip bread in leftover gravy

now on computer... sleepy still 

hopefully my list will be better tomarrow...  

sooo here i am at home again. I never want to go out anymore. I just want to sit at home and be by myself. Then i wonder why i dont have any friends. It just never sounds appealing to go out like i used to. going out... getting drunk... thats ussually the equation, being 19...working at a bar. I like drinking once in a while... but i hate the after effects.. we all know drinking only depresses you more in the long run.

I feel bad tho.. i was supposed to go on a date with this guy at work... it'd be our first date---if u could even call it that--- tho i dont think either of us dare give it that title. But anyway we had been planning on today since monday... i even said bye to him last nite with----i'll be talking to u tomorrow when u call and we hook up. but as today went on more and more... i found myself trying to think of excuses more and more... and when the time came and he called i still hadnt thought of one.... so i just didnt answer. he called again a couple hours later... didnt answer. now im sittin here feeling shitty cuz ima have to see him saturday... come up with some grand excuse when really i just felt like sitting at home... eating and feeling sorry for myself.  this isn't uncommon for me to do at all (stand ppl up) i can name two other ppl i need to call back right now...but i dont want to bc theyre going to ask me to come out or what have u been doing thats made u so busy u couldnt calll? and ummm the answer=nothing at allllll. Today i am proud because i fuckin wrote an email about a job to a futre (hopefully) employer and I sent out a registration form for my trip to costa rica... both of which were late for no good reason other than lazyness....a.k.a. depression. but thats the extent of my accomplishments.... that and eating a whole box of gronola bars... finishing the applesauce, 2 cans of tune (double on the mayo) and some baked beans just to make sure it passes thru my system... (sry... 2 much info i kno) Tried puking but it hurts too much.. i hate doing that. Im thinking about some laxatives tho... soooo to describe myself: im depressed with an eating disorder--- which is all driving me to seclusion.

I started to tell my mom that i've been crazy binge eating lately.... but she's got her own problems and was quick to brush it off... then all of a sudden she had to go (get off the phone) cuz her hubby just got home.... i love that she has someone, and i understand she has her own things to deal with.... but i just need someone to listen sometimes. she used to be the only one i could confide in.... now its no one. i've pushed them all away with my habitual retreats into hibernation... no one wants to deal with me... or be around someone who has such low self esteem. Lately tho i feel my binge eating has takin a turn for the worst... and i kno something unhealthy is coming bc i cant gain weight---my looks are my only saving grace these days and im already poppin outa my clothes..pushing the limits of chubbyness and moving into fatness...why dont they have help sources for ppl b4 they get sick? im sitting here... eating and i told my mom im binging.. b4 i even could get to dropping the bomb that i've been throwing it up when i can she got off the phone... i feel like no ones going to listen until its too late and im like 90 lbs with rotten teeth and no esophagus...