guz1975's Journal

Went to toms funeral yesterday. I knew from past experience this was the moment I had to accept the loss. Speaking to his parents and brother, who I've known so long was  actually strengthening, because they dealt with it so well. they all got up and spoke about Tom regardles of their grief and although when they showed a slideshow of photos of him I cried, I knew I had to keep strong during the wake.

                      I saw his brother later and we both shed some tears, but we also both knew he wouldn't want that , so we've planned a trip back to France to climb the same rockface we all climbed together a couple of years ago in memory of the best friend you could ever have. 

Had a phone call last night, a friend of mine I met in rehab 8 years ago took his own life sometime last week. Been trying to get hold of him for 2 weeks, but he disappeared, had his mobile switched off and just couldn't find him. He booked a holiday in a quiet farmhouse in Cornwall and was found last night.

                        It feels horibble, he must have heard some of the messages that people left for him, I just wish I could have talked to him. We always rang each other when things were bad, I feel like I didn't do enough, we hadn't spoken in a month and I didn't realise things had gone so far, been too pre-occupied with myself, maybe he felt he couldn't put his problems on me at the moment ,but I'd have listened to anyhing he had to say to keep him here.

           fuck it and fuck everything, why should the nicest person you could wish to meet not live, when there's so many assholes in the world.

I find writing these journal entries such a help, doesn't matter if anyone else ever reads it; just helps to get it off your chest. Been missing it, stayed away for a while partly 'cause of withdrawl from klonopin and partly cause I had a binge on pills and drink a couple of weeks back and although I don't remember much, I know I came on this site and was a little scared to come back as I was a bit out of control. Got arrested for criminal damage, breach of the peace and assaulting a police officer that night, so not one of my best, fortunately came to an agreement with the prosecution service that I'd get some proper counselling again, they've fined me £250 and I have to check in with a probation officer once a fortnight, could have been a lot worse.

                              Don't know if I can do it, stayed sober for a while and went cold turkey on the tranqs, but drinking again don't know how much longer I can keep chasing my tail, got that horrible feeling in my gut again that it's time to give up, I only seem to cause grief to my family and those around me.