purpledots's Journal

May Beginnings Mood

Friday, May 9, 2008

The month of May opened with several events. Mainly we got our spare room rented out and the dude moved in so this reduces our expenses. My brother in CA had remarkable successfull spinal surgery in his neck area. He could have become quadrapalegic. So my prayers helped. Throughout this week and half I had numerous appointments and three times a week go to fitness workout which helps my stiff joints and circulation. Other than these activities and housekeeping I have lot of time on my hands between given thtat I'm on SSDI and can't go out to work for medical reasons. Between prayers for my brother, daughter, her boyfirend and others I reflected on life changes.

I was more independent in my beloved beautiful scenic Pennsylvania over several decades till early 2002 (before I moved out of state). As an artist I painted lot of rustic scenery and wrote lot of poems. Wen camping a lot. Yet back in PA despite having a job, driving where I want and managing life and family on my own, I faced ankle infections, possible left leg amputation and constant bronchitus and walking pnuemonias during the cold seasons. We moved to Virginia, where I had bad experiences of victim of crimes, ID theft and stalking which was severely damanaging with crippling PTSD effects. On top I broke my right shoulder in a fall and developed carpal tunnel in both hands. Without medical insurance I could not correct any my conditions.

It was a Godsend that my son who came back from Iraq on his leave brought me to move to beautiful Hawaii to live with my daughter BLUESUN. Now my son who got out of the military lives with us. Life is different and has opened up again but in different form than before. Some things have changed for the better. I no longer have venous stasis ulcer wounds on my ankle and no long get bronchitus/pnuemonias. My right shoulder broken bones finally fused and I had carpal tunnel surgeries to both hands, but I still have numbness of my fingers and lack of hand strength. I'm also on limited income of SSDI, no longer can drive, and still have periods of PTSD, bipolar, and depression for which I'm getting help and conselling. A big blessing is having my daughter and son with me. In conclusion though I miss PA and friends there, and cope with a tight budget here, in general coming to and living in Hawaii is a blessing and is part of Gods gracee to me and my family.

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Comments

Hi Blue Dot

ElaineBwn
Hi Blue Dot,
That was the most beautiful thing I have ever read! It brought tears to my eyes. You are such a beautiful person to even think to reflect over the past year the way that you have done. I need to do the same thing myself. Like you, I've had a lot of changes in my life, but I tend to focus on all the negative things, and it keeps me shackled and depressed. What you have done is acknowlege the bad things that happened without dwelling on them, then acknowledge the good things, and accept what God has done in your life. That is such a beautiful and rare quality that most people don't have, because they tend to wallow in the negative and get stuck.
Mother's Day just passed, but it made me reflect on how much my son and daughter really appreciate all that I've done for them over the years. That's something I'm very proud of in spite of the chaos they experienced in their lives because of my abusive husband and my inability to leave him. By staying in the marriage for 32 years, I see now that they would have been off if I had taken them and left. I was still able to love and nurture them, and the have the skills needed for a positive life, despite what he was doing to me. They saw very little of what he did, and he led them to believe that it was me because I was bipolar that he was so angry. That really hurt.
I say this because your daughter, Blue Sun, has become one of my favorite people and she is a rare soul and a positive person, and I kept thinking that I don't know who her mother is (she told me later) but you've done a great job being her mother in spite of everything you went through. I give her advice about Matt, because I see a roller coaster pattern my ex and I had that is quite similar in terms of their constant fighting and making up and Matt's moodiness. As far as I know he hasn't psysically abused her, but emotional abuse is far worse. It's insidious and more damaging to the person, and no one sees that. Matt has a definite problem with anger. I'm not there so I could be way off so please don't worry about this. I know your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and wouldn't put up with the crap I put up with. I was a real doormat, and she's not at all like that. She knows how to set boundaries. I grew up in an abusive home where there were no boundaries and the abusive was verbal(from my mother). My Dad simply wasn't there. He was drunk or away working all the time. In spite of being a drunk, he was a self-made millionaire. You might say he was a high- functioning alcoholic.
I didn't mean to get into my life story(My bipolar side is showing. I jump from one subject the next. Sorry!)
I just wanted to let you know how much your journal entry has changed my life and really inspired me to do a journal like this so that I can see all the positive things God has done in my life over the past 6 years after my divorce. He has given me a new life that I love, and I have gotten my self back again. Despite worsening health, I'll take that any day over what it was like in the past.

ElaineBwn
Hi ElaineBwn
I'm so glad my reflective journal entry was able to inspire you. I'm a reflective soul and also poet artist. Like you I hung through a long abusive marriage, but he was rarely in my childrens lives. I was bi-polar didn't know it, but had mood swings. He always put me down and was hardly around like a shadow figure. My husband was Indonesian and our family lived in Indonesia for 10 years . He was a muslim who tried forcing us to become Muslim, but we kept our Christianity. After 20 + years of putting up with abuse, neglect, persecution, and nearly rearing children on my own, finally I found courage through reading scriptures to relinquish the dead relationship. I brought my four children out of Indonesia just at the brink of coup and riots against Suharto the dictator there. It was a dramatic escape to safety again in the USA. How dangerous it was, but we never forget all our special great experiences of living in beautiful Indonesia. From scratch we rebuilt our lives in Pennsylvania during late 1990s and early 2000 till the move to Virginia. The experiences in VA were worse and terrifying nearly destroyed my life. But here in Hawaii, I am recouping losses and regaining self esteem again. My children are grown up and successful on their own each one in his/her own way, thank God. I used to experience great guilt for staying so long in a wrong marriage, thought I could have raised my kids differently, or not gone to terrible VA, But I've relinquished the guilt. Reflection, meditation, poetry and art, and also having supportive friends like you helps.So I'm glad to have had the courage to share my journal with you. Your ressponse was very tender and appreciative and I needed that crucially instead of feeling I was talking into the blue younder. You can also read my poems/prose under writers of stories of Gods Grace. Your response was the most positive boost! Thanks!
Whatever I put into my kids and the pressures of life have just turned them out like diamonds!

purpledots