jitterygirl's Journal

I don't think I need to journal everything, I had a rough patch during the day, I should have just gone through it and not put it here. I guess I was feeling that somehow typing it out would change things, well, maybe it did, or maybe I just kicked into gear a bit. In any case, I made myself go for a walk to pick up some papers that I had given Justins support worker, so I did that for starters. Then I looked at the dog lying there and put him on his leash, and went around the block with him. Started pulling some weeds in the front and back garden then came in and did some dusting. Just generally kept moving around even tho I was running on a few hours of sleep the night before. I just get really down in the dumps and grouchier then usual, more unmotivated and start thinking about how life is at a stand still for me right now. It was a real effort to make myself do things yesterday, sometimes it is and other days I'm okay.

Today it's raining and pretty dark out, I'm not thrilled about these kinds of days, but hopefully it will brighten up around noon, or at least the rain will let up. Saves me watering the garden today I suppose, although I don't mind doing that, again, it gives me something to do. I did get my relaxation CD on again, and did that, I try to do that daily, or at least every second day right now. I'm not sure how much it helps, maybe more then I realise, anything is a help in keeping my neck and jaw from going to stiff though.

My sister emailed me an invitation to come to  a birthday party that she's having for herself this Saturday. I was really going back and forth with it, as we haven't been really all that close since my father died in 1993. She's my only sister, and we drifted apart for quite some time, however, I can't say that we were all that close before anyway. We are very different people with very different life styles. I don't mind seeing her now and then, but she's the bossy and demanding type, very complainy and thinks she knows whats good for other people, likes to tell you what to do, where to go, how to live, that type...lol. I guess I tend to stay far away from those types, they just make me nervous and they're very unappealing people to spend time with.

 I've always felt uncomfortable around her, she tends to think that my parents liked me the most and that I'm the better looking sister, all that kind of thing, and it makes me feel really awful when she used to talk that way. So...I'm a bit nervous about going but I'm going for a short time anyway. I don't know any friends of hers really, they are all office workers and their spouses are pretty well off, and I feel very intimidated in a crowd like that. It's absolutely my own problem that I do, I know that, I just don't feel I have anything to contribute to a conversation. They work, I don't right now, I feel inferior and low class, which in their circle I am. I'm hard pressed to start or carry a conversation, I'm the one sitting off somewhere by myself watching everyone. I can't stand the " so where do you work" conversation, what do I say, " umm..I don't work, I sit on my ass most of the day, gardening, walking, sitting at my computer, thinking a lot and oh yes, I'm on wsib" I feel like riff raff, but as I say, thats my problem. Well..I'm going anyway so thats the whole point, show my sister I care that its her birthday never the less, and I'll try not to drag my presently annoying low self esteem with me.