Clementine16's Journal

I have definately achieved the goal of saying what i want in our (Calum and I's) relationship and I think that we have become stronger as a result of that. This is a step forward for me as I have always had trouble with saying how I feel and saying no to the people I love most. But I have come to realise that every step forwards I make with any aspect of my life is potentially a step backwards as my family force me backwards almost immediately. My Mum is fine, a "shoulder to cry on" etc but sometimes I feel as if my brother doesn't know I love him and today I have realised that my Dad doesn't care about me at all. In fact I think that he is actually trying to drag me back down in depression. I hope I'm strong enough to withstand his influence. With Calum on my side I dont think I can fail in this. Everytime I think of crying or being sad or thinking bad thoughts about suicide, I think "There's only one year left! Keep going. Keep strong. Only one year left!" and this seems to help a lot becuase I now know that no matter how much I try to love my family, they will almost always do something that will upset me. Saying something hurtful to me these days makes me think that they completely hate me. Irrational I know. Cant help it. I have learnt to create good relationships with my new friends though. Knowing that there is always someone I can talk to about anything is helping me a lot. Probably what I've needed this whole time. Just someone to talk to who I know wont judge me or critisise me. And hopefully I am giving them that in return. But always remember. The most important lesson to learn in life is DONT WORRY! BE HAPPY! in the everlasting words of Bob Marley.