mudblossom's Journal

You know they say there are all these stages of grief, thank you Kubler-Ross.  But any dummy can figure out that they are not linear or predictable.  Anyway, one stage or phase is apparently acceptance, or so they say.  I can't say that I am at acceptance about the loss, but I do think that I am leaning into the grief, which means that I am accepting that it is something I am going through.  It's better than resistance... I guess.

The resistance is lurking tho.  It comes in different forms.  Today it's here in the form of minor fatigue.  I didn't sleep great.  I'm not sure what that was about.  One thing is pain I'm having in my upper body, from sitting at computers too much, without much core body support.  And so at night my shoulders hurt.  I always sleep on my side, and esp. the right side can really get to hurting.  Physical pain can cause fatigue, as can emotional stress and pain.  That I know for sure.

So I went to that grief group last night.  I felt really comforted by it, and I wished to heck that I didn't have to be there.  Acceptance was like a little strobe light, here one moment and gone the next and then back again.

A part of me wonders if I am making too much of this.  And another part says, no this is what it's all about.  But the complicating factor about this is my spiritual journey.  I became pregnant in a r'ship I thought was headed for marriage, and all of that was lost.   I had to be be a pregnant woman out of wedlock, which was hard for me, and now I had to share about the miscarriage in this little Christian group and found no way to avoid saying it's tied to the issues about premarital sex and sin.  How could I not say that?  And I so wished I could have just talked about the loss.

Oh yeah, and I had therapy y'day.  It was good, because I was able to say that I'm at least doing better.  But I also talked about the advice from that other pastor about trying to be more clear to the Soul Cafe pastor and the Vineyard pastor about what I need.  So I emailed the Soul Cafe pastor that I won't be there tonight to the potluck discussion thing scheduled and that my grief is taking precedence over plans for us to discuss my potentially entering the TEEM pastor program and her mentee.  That was so hard!  Now talking to the Vineyard pastor may prove too hard.  I guess I need to pray.

Grief Scale (1=least, 10=worst).  Today=4