mudblossom's Journal

I guess today was better than last week, I only slept in until 8:30 am or so, versus close to noon last Saturday.

But I am continuing my sloth imitation on the couch in front of the TV.  I just did a work out from the Fit TV channel, tho.  That helped some.

I know my ongoing problems with shoulder, neck, upper back are from oversleeping and laying on the couch, cramping my body in the position to see the TV.

I am so clearly depressed, it's disgusting.  I have no motivation for anything in my life.  My life is the emptiest I can ever remember it being.  I hate writing that.  It's embarrassing.

I should "know better."  Should is an awful word.  I am ashamed of my miserable life.  I would hate for most people to see the shack of a house I live in.  I would hate for most people to know how little I am accomplishing.  I am barely doing more than surviving. 

My job has always been my main source of pride, but work has been hell for months and months now.  It's starting to get a little better, but it's no longer a refuge.

I can see why I have been a love addict for years.  Relationship drama has been a distraction from this core emptiness, this existential angst.

I want to be a Phoenix and rise up above the ashes, but I don't see it coming anytime soon.  In fact, I can't see a way out of this situation.  The best I can imagine is acceptance.  My life is boring and empty, ok.  That's not the end of the world.

I have people who are friends, no one very close.  I have a sponsor, she loves me.  My family relationships are either completely distant (not close to any siblings) or sadly conflicted.  There seems to be a dark cloud over the family.  Everyone is extremely stressed with their own crises right now.  So no one can be there for each other.  And my brother turns 40 on May 9th, just before Mother's Day. 

The only good thing right now is my cat, Coco.