pauliscool's Journal

Wed 23 April, 1.50pm, Middle East (from the office)

Feeling tired; had a late night. Gf didn’t appear online. I logged in and had some food at my local Internet café and a fruit juice, did some Internet browsing then headed off about 11.50pm. There were two texts when I got in, I left them till the morning; one sent 9pm (midnight here) and another about 10pm (1am here), both were fine. I replied about 10.40am in the morning (7.40am UK) received a reply 5 mins later. All fine. Told gf I’ll be looking out for her about 8pm (her time).

Was interesting, when logging in to work email, felt a few butterflies … exactly the same as in relationship butterflies. Not severe, precipitated by the unknown, what emails would be waiting for me, how many, any urgent ones, any difficult ones.

I have no way of knowing what gf has been doing with her time, who she has been chatting to or seeing or where she she has been spending her time and doing what.

Doesn’t matter. It’s not important I know. I feel good. If I had the means to find out, I may get butterflies in the same way I did this morning before logging in to work email. It’s unknown territory, out of my control, also out of my jurisdiction by which I mean my gf is in control of herself. Over the years, I have let myself react in ways that are not healthy for me when discovering information about gf, however it was obtained. For example, at times gf has declared something, an event or intention (result butterflies plus reaction); or I have been informed about something from someone else (result butterflies plus reaction); or I have been suspicious and made enquiries of my own (result butterflies plus reaction).

The processes that determine what I know about gf and how I know it remain basically the same. The degree to which gf is open or secretive (or at least not forthcoming) is in her control and up to her. The butterflies I feel and the reaction I make to them are up to me and rooted in the beliefs I hold.

Do I believe that all information (however obtained) is useful?

Do I believe that ignorance is bliss?

My intuition prefers the former. To be ignorant is no excuse in law.

The process of discovery – however it occurs – has the potential to trigger butterflies:

1) pre-knowing butterflies (the anticipation of knowing; can lead to fantasy fuelled by assumptions and fears)

2) knowing butterflies (the state of knowing; can lead to wrong interpretations due to lack of context or understanding, followed by fantasy as above)

3) post-knowing butterflies (the consequences of knowing; a cycle of reaction, counter action, further reaction, fuelled by ladders of inference, mind reading, and other irrational and unhealthy beliefs)

Thinking … we all engage in three separate and interrelated journeys throughout our life:

1) journey of the mind (developing our mind)

2) journey of the body (developing and maintaining our body. Our body is the home of our mind)

3 journey of life experience (the interface of our mind and body with our environment creates our life experience)

My hypothesis is that when all three journeys are attended to both creatively and logically, and alignment (balance) between them maintained … we are living life to the full, to the best of our abilities. Our sense of wellbeing increases as a result.

If any one of them is neglected or given excessive focus or attention at the expense of the others, then we are living life sub-optimally.

Achieving the balance that is right for us may require the expeditious and concurrent use of tactics and strategy. In other words it is not a simple process that can be defined by a rigorous process or recipe to be followed, but a journey of discovery and enlightenment unique to us that we find as we continue to discover, develop and maintain our true sense of self and being throughout our life.

Butterflies can be like forest fires. They can be ring-fenced and controlled, eventually burning themselves out or doused with water. Or they can be fuelled, as a fire can be by adding fuel, or fanning the flames, as the wind does when a forest fire razes an entire community, despite the efforts of military and civilian intervention. We are each in control of our responses to our butterflies in terms of our reaction to them and in terms of the underlying beliefs which feed and create them in the first place.

Sometimes playing with uncertainty can lead to a dance of butterlies that can be stimulating, entertaining, and allows a more mature less reactive consideration of growing in a relationship. In other words, although all information may be considered useful, I may deliberately not avail myself to all sources of information while I engage in the game of knowing/not knowing and letting the butterflies wax and wane almost at will based on a deliberately curtailed set of information. Over time (short or long) I can add in new pieces of information to create new butterfly games. New information is incorporated with existing information and creates new scenarios and facts. New information might reduce previous butterflies or might be a catalyst for new or bigger ones. In this way we can use the butterfly – information – uncertainty triangle for our own satisfaction and enjoyment, based on a belief that some stimulus (from butterflies) creates a feeling of aliveness and excitement. Too little and we feel bored or dull etc too much and we feel uncomfortable, anxious, stressed.