pauliscool's Journal

After several weeks of not getting angry, last night i got angry. I had been drinkink (about 5 pints of beer total, over several hours) and so had my girlfriend (red wine). We began the afternoon in a bar working on our laptops fro a few hours ... all great. We then moved to another table to relax and plan the evening. She began texting. I got bored and went for a walk for 25 minutes or so. She got mad about that. We left the bar, she wanted to go dancing, I wanted to go to a different club. We ended up shouting in the street. I left for home; after walking to the bus stop she calls and says she'll catch the same bus (a few stops further up). I say fine. When I get on the bus she is there, looking stern and not giving any room to sit next to her so I continue up the back of the bus. She get's off at the next stop and heads to her place. I stay onbus and go home.

Unbelievable!

We are both OK today, she will come out later to my house for the night with the two children. This was not a big incident, but shows how drink is always involved when i get angry, and for her too! Mmmm there's a lesson here. I wonder what her recollections of it are? She usually recovers quickly from these events. From our conversation by phone this morning, she is fine.

I don't mind getting angry but I prefer to be in more control. Sometimes it can be good and healthy to be angry. The drink definitely affected my ability to stay in control. Looking back, I do not see any good reasons for me to have become angry last night. I am leaving my goal score the same because I am still achieving my goal of becoming angry less.

I think drink and stess are catalysts for getting angry. We both have these in our lives for various reasons just now and so the conditions for getting angry may be more prevalent.

We will see. 

30 april 11.59pm

Busy with work, interviews and stuff so less time with rose. Have agreed to take kids for Saturdays over next two months (unless busy etc). Things going ok! Have lots of information (access to emails) I could look at but not looked at it yet. Not sure I want to. Can’t think of a good reason to … I probably will eventually.

And what will I do after what I find?  We want g-g-b threesomes then she has to interact with girls. We want b-b-g threesomes then she has to interact with boys. We want gang bangs then she has to be open to multiple play. And me too of course!

Not sure whether we are getting closer or more distant. In all the above I have to ok that she has sex with these others. 

In a way they all then become a bit like Johan. People she has fucked who she might bump into or meet again. With or without my knowledge.

I haven’t aked her any direct questions lately. Not wanting to put her on the spot.

She has implied it would be easy for her to find girls/women to play with. I suppose she is right. I have seen it. Guys of course are ten a penny.

My new found butterflies philosophy makes lots of things more possible. But this doesn’t mean they are desirable.

The less close I am with my gf the less distasteful sex with others seems. The closer I feel to her the less desirable sex with others seems.

She gave me a nice phone chat tonight … she is with the kids … surely she has not been chatting, etc with other people re sex? But what if she has. Can I still be ok? Yes, is the only answer. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. There might be butterflies. I might feel colder and more distant for a while if I discover this. Then how to explain to her I know without revealing my source. This is not easy.

Will leave it and go to bed. Interview in the morning.

Will get a guy to suck me off.

27 April, 2008, 11am, at home

Post note to journal.

Small incident the other day about having coffee with ex wife. My girlfriend knew I was goint to do this and was fine with it. I just hadn’t mentioned it was the same day at 4pm. I didn’t find that “right” moment to tell her; when confronted at the bus stop about what I was going to do I said I have some work to do; she then confronted me about the coffee and I said yes that was what I was really going to do. She confronted me about this several times later. For her, I think it was the lie that was important.

My reflection about this is not about whether or not I lied but that I intended to tell her and later was not happy with my decision to say otherwise. So, what was going on there for me and how can I achieve my intention in the future instead of trying to create a white lie, that I later was not happy about.

For a moment I was not myself … my girslfriend interpreted that as me not being in control. Her thinking then was that either she was controlling me or my ex wife was controlling me.

I disagree … after all I made my own choice what to say … no-one made me do it … however, I was not being true to myself.

What was I afraid would happen if I said what I intended? Do I believe that?

In a way I think maybe my girlfriend knew I was planning to meet my ex wife that day, but was deliberately waiting to see if and when I would mention it. In the end I said something different.

How does this behaviour tie in with my goals? Is there another goal I need to help with decisions like this in the future?

Perhaps to do with courage of convictions. Saying what you mean or intend to. I could say it was hard … but then I would have to ask in what way was it hard.

All I can think of is that I didn’t want to upset my gf. That would be a cop out. Or perhaps I didn’t want to get any grief back from her as we were enjoying the day thus far and I didn’t want to cause an upset. But that is an assumption. In other words, I was behaving in a cowardly way. I think that is it. Tact and diplomacy are useful and can make a difference. This was not really about tact and diplomacy; although at times she asks me to be more sensitive or less cold or more diplomatic. It was about me letting bad beliefs get in the way of saying what I wanted to say.

I had my reasons for seeing my ex wife … in fact my gf knew these reasons and was fine about them.

So, next time, be clear what you want to say. Then make sure you say it. How hard is that!