SheliaC's Journal

meaning

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

It just seems like I'll never grasp the meaning of the words that my son is dead. They are horrible words that don't seem to mean anything to me. When I say them and look at his picture, I cry and get that horrible panicked something is wrong feeling, but those words just don't connect. I have no understanding of what it feels like. Unless this is it. It's confusing. Right now I'm starting to cry but can't connect it. I just know I am very sad and know that it is because Jeremy is gone. But what? The disbelief is cruel. I need to understand it. I'm sad and I'm crying but I don't understand why. I know why but don't understand it. I love you, Jeremy Keith, very much. I'm stuck in this circle. The confusion is cruel. I need to be able to step out of it some how but there isn't anything to grab on to. Nothing to make this okay. I don't know how.

Hug SheliaC

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Comments

It's a hard thing to say out loud, to grasp the reality of the words. My son is dead. It took me a long to time to accept the simple truth of three words. Andy is dead. It would scream out loud in my head, but it didn't sink in, not for a long time. Your grief is so raw and fresh and new. You have not yet accepted your loss, and you have not let him go yet, and that is OK. You don't have to. You need to hold on to him for now, and allow the shock to settle into your bones, and one day it will. But for now, all you can do is keep breathing in and out, and on a good day, put one foot in front of the other and walk. If you need to stay home and be sad, do so, and let the healing tears flow. That is my best advice to you right now. Let your tears flow, anytime, anywhere, any how they need to. Let the hurt hurt. God Bless you and your family.

NancyFFIC
Give yourself time. You are still in a kind of shock. I know even after 10 months there are times when I think I am still in shock and can't connect. Be kind to yourself. You can't just demand that your mind and body move on to acceptance. That is a long way off. Take care and know that many are with you and here for you. Love and hugs, Cyn

CynK
I'm definitely with you, it's weird because my brain knows Matthews gone, I've accepted his death, I know I will never see him as he was again, yet my heart screams "how can this be", hopefully it is what others say and thats that they are still really with us, hence we feel their love within us. Yet what we wouldn't give to just be able to hold them, touch them like we did when they were little and sleeping. I'm thinking of you, praying for you, lighting a candle in memory of your love for your son. Love and prayers, Lynette ~ Matthews mom

lynette22